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JOKES PAGE 8
As a Jamaican you know you are getting older if ...
1.. You had an exercise book with Queen Elizabeth and her husband on it,
instead of a ring binder.
2.. You used to listen to Rediffussion.
3.. You wore Bata crepe to school and bought Asham at the gate. Give
yourself an extra point, if you know what Asham was made of.
4.. You remember that the Lou and Ranny show used to come on at 7:00 PM on
a Sunday ("Is whey mi flat boad ?")
5.. You know what the initials T. A. D. P. stand for.
6.. You know who Tony Verity was.
7.. You can name more than two of the characters in a Jonkanoo band.
8.. You know what boxing title Bunny Grant held.
9.. You didn't buy gigs, yo yo's, kites or slingshots in a store. You made
them yourself.
10.. You know what Fanta and Nu Grape are.
11.. You know what a Woolsley, Humber and Zephyr are.
12.. You got a washout and worm medicine at the end of summer holidays.
13.. Your school graduation was called "prize-giving."
14.. You still call Norman Manley airport "Palisadoes."
15.. You still have a BOAC bag hidden somewhere in a closet.
16.. You remember when people used to go to the airport, and come back with
a twang.
17.. You still go to the airport just to stand on the waving gallery.
18.. When you hear classical music on the radio you still ask: "Is who dead
now?"
9.. You still refer to any smooth stretch of road as "barber greene."
20.. You still use words like "bine" and "clyde" and know the difference
between both.
ANSWER KEY:
If you answer yes to less than 5 you are a babe in the woods.
5 to 10 answers, you are listening to too many of your parent's stories.
11to 15: Getting up there, watch it!
16 to 19: You are very gray (Although you may be colouring/dyeing)
20 or 21: You have Limacol and Bay Rum on the nightstand, and a chimmey
under the bed.
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A Jamaican woman was walking along the banks of
Dunn's River Falls when she stumbled upon an old
empty bottle.
She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and- behold a Genie appeared.
She talked with him awhile then the Genie told her he would grant
her ONE wish.
She said she heard from a cousin that she
would get three wishes if she ever found a Genie.
The Genie said, "Nope, sorry three-wish genies
nuh real, me is strictly a ONE-WISH Genie.So...
what yuh want?"
The woman didn't hesitate.
She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See
this map, I want these countries to stop fighting
with each other and I want all the Arabs to love
Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring
about world peace and harmony. "
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lawd
Lady, A wah wrang wid yu? PLEASE BE REASONABLE!
Dem countries yah a war fi how much thousands of
years. Mi shut up inna dis bockle fi 'bout five
hundred of dem dey years! Mi good but mi nuh dat
good! Mi nuh know if mi can grant dis one.
Do Lady, mek another wish!! Mi a beg yuh... Be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well,
I've never been able to find the right Jamaican
man... You know, one that is considerate and fun,
likes to dance and helps with the cooking & house
cleaning, is great in bed and is FAITHFUL. That's
what I wish for...a good Jamaican man.
The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and
said,
"Mek mi see di map again!!!!"
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Classic non propane Jamaican BBQ grill
doubles as a shopping cart
All passengers were in the gate area waiting anxiously to board
their Air Jamaica flight to the UK.
The flight crew are now about to board, with the Co-pilot arriving
so impeccably dressed in his uniform, wearing dark glasses and with a
white cane finding his way to the gate.
The airline flight attendants explained to the passengers, that
although he is blind, he is one of the best co-pilot in the company.
A few moments later, the Pilot arrived. He too was also impeccably
dressed in his uniform, dark glasses and a white cane, and he is being
assisted by two flight attendants.
The Representative in charge at the waiting area assured all
passengers that although the Pilot is blind, he is the best pilot in the company,
and together with the Co-pilot, they make the best experienced team in the cockpit.
With everyone on board, the plane is now ready to embark onto the
runway, ready to take its turn.
Now on the runway, the Air Jamaica flight increases its speed ready
for take off...more and more the speed is increasing. Still continuing down the
runway the plane does not take off; it continues to run but stays on the ground.
By this time the passengers are terrified as they all realise that the end of
the runway is getting closer and closer, and in an explosion of general hysteria, all of the
passengers start screaming as if they are possessed. At that very moment the plane
miraculously lifted off.
The Pilot calmly turns to the Co-pilot and says:
"Any day di passenger dem don't scream.... we salt!!!"
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Do you know how tough it is being a man...? If you put
a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the
rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
If you work too hard there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing
bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this
is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job
with low pay, you should get off your ass and find
something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is
favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal
opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual
harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an
insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're
a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without
consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy,
that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly
underwear, you're pervert. If you don't, you're gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in
shape, you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If
you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you
don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of
yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a
headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you're oversexed. If you
don't, there must be someone else.
NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN! ........ THEY WANT
TO!!
Here's the objective of the monday to friday work week
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A Jamaican Christian
A Jamaican walks into a bar in Miami, orders three Red Stripe Beers and
sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and says, "You know, a beer goes flat after I
draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Jamaican replies, "Well, you see, mi have two bredda. One inna
Toronto, the other a London , and mi dey a Miami . When we all left
home, we promised fi drink this way to remember the days when we drank
in Jamaica . So mi drink one for each ah mi bredda and one for mi
self."
The bartender admits that this is a nice Jamaican custom, and leaves it
there.
The Jamaican becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same
way: he orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take
notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second
round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but
I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Jamaican looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye
and he laughs. "Oh, no, no, everyone's fine," he explains," It's just
that I became a Christian, and I personally had to stop drinking."
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Many Truisms here !!
But I leave you to decide which ones !!!!
Laugh and Enjoy !!!
Pregnancy, Estrogen and Women
Pregnancy Q & A & more!
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6 Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN
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Yesterday I was having some work done at the car dealer A
blonde woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. They
all looked at each other, and the Mechanic asked, "What is a
seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of
the engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had always been
there."
The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and
asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a
circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her
over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "Is
there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course,
it's right there."
Click here to find out the mystery of the 710
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People know you are Jamaican if
1. You can distinguish between "cocoa-tea" "bush-tea"
and"green-tea".
2. When someone sympathizes with you, you comment
"Yuh tink seh it easy?"
3. You point with your lips.
4. You can't say "three" or "thing" ... you say "tree" and "ting".
5. You say words like Heg (instead of Egg); Hingland (instead of
England)
6. You give directions with your hands, even if it is in another state.
7. You go to parties for the food and drink and then cuss
afterwards when the food and drink run out.
8. You nod your head upwards to greet someone.
9. You always find yourself standing next to plenty of
luggage and boxes at the airport.
10. When you travel home, you bring an extra suitcase going down, it has
none of your clothes; returning, it has food.
11. You hate to throw away empty containers as they might come
in handy for pepper sauce or "green seasonings".
12. You have one big pot you call curry pot when you are
not even cooking curry.
13. You have another pot you called dutch pot.
14. You say "bwoy" at the beginning of a sentence and "man" at the end of it.
15. You always hang something on your rearview mirror.
16. You put pepper sauce on everything for the taste.
17. You think eating ackee and saltfish, plaintain and
fried dumplings are a great morning breakfast.
18. You can't go a week without a rice dish.
19. You think steak is a waste of good meat; you would rather
cut it up and stew it with potatoes.
20. You chew and suck out all the marrow from the chicken bone and then
pick out your teeth afterwards.
21. You save all juices from the cooked meats/chicken to use for
flavour for your next dish.
22. You wash and rinse plastic utensils and cups that can be used again.
23. You bring home food from a party (enough for your
breakfast the next morning, your lunch and your
dinner!)
24. You chew the ice when you finish your
drinks.
25. You must put dumplings in all soups.
26. You show disapproval by sucking your teeth.
27. You have a dishwasher in the house and only use it for
special occasions.
28. You have a thyme (or mint)
bush growing somewhere in your yard.
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Dramatic pictures of damage to a backyard during hurricane
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She was Soooooooo Blonde .
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate"
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde..
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home,
She moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."
AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:
She is sooooooooooooooooo Blonde..
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company...
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Why, Why, Why
Why do we press harder on a remote control when
we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient
funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there
are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by
lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but
ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the
word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still
apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath
you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator
with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen
times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine
it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the
end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light
fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams
our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why
do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right,
so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something
that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something
else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm
as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of
every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness.
Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
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Classic Put Down Lines to Pick Up Lines
Maybe some of you men have heard some of these before.
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female inpersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unferrtilized.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing
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Rasta In Court
A Rasta and his Empress are in court getting a divorce. The problem was, who should get custody of the child?
The Empress jumped up and said, "Your Honor. I brought the child into this world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody"
The judge turns to the dread and says, "What do you have to say in the matter?"
The Rasta sat for a while contemplating ... then slowly rose and said, "Yow ... your Honour, If I and I put a dollar in a vending machine and a
Pepsi come out, a who fa Pepsi ... 'I and I' or the machine?
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HOW TO CALL THE POLICE ~
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed,
which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?” and he said “no”. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and
that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now cause
I’ve just shot them all.” Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the
burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”
George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”
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One morning while a couple was on vacation, the husband
returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take
a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to
take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and starts
reading her book.
A game warden pulls up alongside the woman and says,
"Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies (thinking, "Isn't that
obvious.").
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you
could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and
write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual
assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am", and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads, it's likely she
can also think...
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Ever tried this one.?
Here is a math trick that will stump you.
1. Grab a calculator. (you won't be able to do this one in
your head)
2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT
the area code)
3. Multiply by 80
4. Add 1
5. Multiply by 250
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number
7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.
8. Subtract 250
9. Divide number by 2
Do you recognize the answer?
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A guy sitting at an airport bar noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself,
"Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant; but which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and said, "Love to fly and it shows?"
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, ooh shit, she doesn't
work for Delta. A few seconds later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again,
"Something special in the air?" She gave him the same confused looked. He mentally kicked himself,
and scratched American Airlines off the list.
Next he tried, "I would really love to fly your friendly skies?"
This time the woman barked at him "Man, what de blowscup rockstone giznick u want?"
The man smiled, and then slumped back in his chair, "Ahhh, Air Jamaica".
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A JDF soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there.
Out of breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a
few minutes. I'll explain WHY later."
The nun agreed.
Just a moment later two MP's from up park camp came running along and asked,
"Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here?"
The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt
and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I'm escaping being enlisted to fight in IRAQ
I don't want to go ."
The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your fear."
The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you
have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a
great pair of balls.
I don't want to go to Iraq either."
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Out on her royal yacht the Queen was enjoying the sea air when she spied a man in the water off the
port bow - clearly being menaced by a very large shark. Through her binoculars she could see it was
Christian Ronaldo, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!
The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor man, but she knew the
yacht's top speed would never get them there in time. At that exact moment a speedboat containing
three men wearing white England shirts sped into view.
One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly.
The other two reached out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to
death. They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat along with the dead
shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling ....... It was the Queen calling them
to the yacht.
On reaching yacht the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said to Beckham, Rooney and
Gerrard (for it was they) "I will give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the England team
would hate Ronaldo after the world cup, but I see that my England team are true heroes and should
serve as a model for sportsmanship to other countries."
She knighted them there and then, and proceeded to sail away. As she departed Rooney asked the
others, "Who was that?!" "That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth
and knows everything about our country." "Well," Rooney replied, "she definitely knows nothing at all
about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up ?"
Quit while your A Head, No Butts About It
 What We Saw
 What The French Saw
 What The Italians Saw
 What The Americans Saw
 What The Japanese Saw
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For you golfers
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist,
"Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf.
So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it.
We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already.
I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"
The dentist thought to himself,
"My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to
kill the pain."
So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him."
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A Jamaican in the Dakotas
October 8th
We have arrived in America!!! Finally!!! This marks a new chapter in
our lives. It's very nice here. It's a little cool, but who needs HOT
weather? This is perfect, not too hot,not too cold.
October 15th
It is getting a little cooler, but we are adjusting. We bought some
sweaters today and went for a short walk. Loving America!!! This is
what life's about.
October 30th
The weather is definitely cooler now. We taped all the windows shut,
so cold air cannot creep in... Outside may be cold, but it feels like
Jamaica in this house.
November 11th
The news reports say snow is on the way... we cannot wait!!! We have
never seen snow and it should be pretty exciting to see it for the first
time.
November 14th
Started snowing. The first of the season and the first real snow we
have ever seen. The wife cooked buttered buns and we sat by the
window watching soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and
covering the ground. Could never do anything like this in Jamaica.
IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL SIGHT!!!
November 15th
We woke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the
landscape. What a FANTASTIC sight! Every tree and shrub was covered
like a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time and
loved it. I did both our driveway and sidewalk. Later, the city snow
plow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with
compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved and
I waved back and shoveled again. Americans are so friendly!
November 18th
It snowed an additional twelve inches last night and the temperature
has dropped to around four degrees. The cold weather is not so bad...
we can take this, not at all as bad as we imagined. Several limbs on the
trees and shrubs have snapped due to the weight of the snow.
I shoveled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snow plow
came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now brownish
gray.
November 19th
Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon
became ice again. Bought snow tires for both cars. slipped and fell on
my "batty" in the driveway, paid $130 for the chiropractor, but
fortunately nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.
November 20th
Still cold. Sold my wife's BMW and bought a 4x4 in order to get to work.
November 21st
On my way to work, the 4x4 skidded into the guardrail and did
considerable damage to the right fender. We had another 15 inches
of white _s@*t_ (mailto:s@*t) !! last night. The vehicle is covered in salt
and crud. More
shoveling in store for me today. Di damn snowplow man do him job
again. Watch me an' him!
November 22nd
Blouse and skirt... the first heating bill just come! A how de hell it
come to so much???
November 30th
A two degrees out a door! And more rahtid snow deh pon
di way. Not a tree or shrub ina di yawd whe no get damage. Di power
off mos ah di night. Wi a try fi keep from freezing to death wid candles
and kerosene heater, but the heater tip over an' nearly bun dung the
house. Mi manage fi put out di flames, but end up wid
second degree burns pan mi hands, bun off mi yeyebrow and yeyelash
dem. Den di car slide on de white s@!%% (again!) on the way
to the hospital and wi haffi write i off.
December 5th
Rahtid... dis snow yah nuh out fi stop??? Di ting keep on a come dung!
Mi affi put on all a di clothes wey mi own just fi go out a di damn
mailbox. If I ever catch the bitch wey drive di rahtid snow-plow yuh see, I
gwine mek him mumma feel it !!!. Mi really tink sey 'im
hide round di corner and wait 'til me finish shovel, den come down
the street fastfast and cover up wi driveway again.
Wicked nuh blow wow!!!
December 10th
Di power still off. Di toilette freeze up! and some part a di roof look like
it out fi cave in.
December 15th
Eleven more inches a snow an'ice!!!!!!!!!! Jah know...dis
no right. Mi wounded di snowplow wid di pick ax,but di driva get weh.
December 16th
Mi wife tek off and left mi.
December 18th
Di car won start and mi tink mi ah go snow-blind. Mi caaan feel
mi toe dem and mi nuh see the sun fi weeks!!!! An' guess
wha? The weatherman ah predict more snow!!!! Good fi him. Di
wind chill is 30 **claat degrees below zero!!
December 22nd
Mi a move go back ah Jamaica teday 'cause dis place yah a go kill mi!!!!
If mi can ketch a flight, at least mi will reach just in time fi Christmas
dung a yard.
'Merica & Canada - a nuh fi everybody!!!!
_______________________________________________________________________________
Four Jewish brothers left home for college and became
successful doctors and lawyers, and prospered. Some years later, they
chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were going to
give to their elderly mother, who lived in another city.
The first said, "I'm having a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I'm having a hundred-thousand-dollar
theatre built in the house."
The third said, "I'm having my Mercedes dealer deliver her an
SL600 with a chauffeur."
The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loves the
Torah and you know how she can't read anymore because she can't see very
well. Well, I met this Rabbi who told me about a parrot that can recite the
entire Torah. It took ten rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to
contribute 100,000 a year for ten years to the temple, but it was worth it. Mama
just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed.
Later, Mama sent out her thank you notes. She wrote:
Dear Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only
one room, but have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.
Dear Menachem, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby
sound that can hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my
hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. But thank you for the gesture just
the same.
Dear Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my
groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes... and the driver you
hired is a Nazi. But the thought was good. Thanks.
Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense
to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank
you.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Jamaican lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they're
not prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Falmouth small town
prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly,
elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked,
"Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes of course me know you! Mr. Williams. Me
know you since you was a pickney, and wata big disappointment you
is to you family.You tell too much lie, you cheat pan your wife,
you chat people and red-eye behind dem back. You tink you is a big
shot now but you no realize seh you will never be more dan a
two-bit paper pusher! Yes, me know you alright!!"
The Lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed
across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense
attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, me know Mr. Bradley since him was a
lickle bwoy too Him lazy, and good fe nothing, him bigoted, and
him always a gwan like him white. Him cyant build a normal
relationship with nobody. Fe him law practice a di wos ina Jamaica. He cheat,
him teef, noting no deh devious what him nuh do. A three
different woman me hear seh him ave and one of dem a you missis! Yes sah, me
know him well."
The defense attorney almost died of embarrassment.
The judge ordered both counsellors to approach the bench, and in
a very quiet voice, said,
"If either of you two gineygogs ask her if she knows me, me lock up uno
@#$$$ ina jail fi contempt!."
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