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JOKES PAGE 6
Football Explained by a Blonde
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all
the big muscles but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25
cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the
game, all they kept screaming was
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
"I'm like ....... Helloooooo?
It's only 25 cents!!!"
Hits of the 60s
It was fun being a baby boomer - until now. Some of the artists of the 60s are revising
their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.
They include:
Herman's Hermits -- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
The Bee Gees -- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip
Bobby Darin -- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash
Ringo Starr -- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends
Roberta Flack --The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
Johnny Nash -- I Can't See Clearly Now
Paul Simon -- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
The Commodores -- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom
Marvin Gaye -- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts
Leo Sayer -- You Make Me Feel Like Napping
The Temptations -- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone
Abba -- Denture Queen
Tony Orlando -- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall
Helen Reddy -- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore
Willie Nelson -- On the Commode Again
the air ja jazz and blues festival was this past weekend and richie stevens invited bounti
killa to perform with him as a guest artiste....well i saw an interview that cvm
did with both of them where bounti confirmed how happy he was to be
performing in "galtego bay"...
the interviewer (like me) didnt understand what he was talking about at first and asked him to clarify...
so bounti explained that since he does not believe in "de man and man ting" ....i am
only paraphrasing, this is not a quote:-) .....he preferred to say
'galtego bay" instead of "man-tego bay" !!!!!!.....
i can understand when rastas convert "appreci hate" into "appreci love " given the on again off again
problem with the letter "h".....but galtego bay???...
Sing out oh oho oh in Gal tego Bay
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CORN ON THE COB
What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas ?
Thanks, I'll never part with it
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?
It's Christmas, Eve !
Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas ?
No you can have turkey like everyone else !
What did the guest sing at the Eskimo's Christmas party ?
Freeze a jolly fellow !
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Three rednecks, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and
found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here", says Bubba, "It's Zeb Jones' grave, God bless his soul,
he lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing", says Earl, "here's one named Butch Smith.
It says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Jeb yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!"
"What was his name?" asks Bubba.
Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims,
"Miles, from Georgia.".
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A man in Newfoundland calls his son in Calgary two days
before Christmas and says," I hate to ruin your day, but I have to
tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of
misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says.
We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about
this, so you call your sister in Vancouver and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"No way they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of
this." She calls Newfoundland immediately and screams at her father,
"You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there.
I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there by tomorrow. Until
then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay," he says, they're coming for Christmas and paying their own way."
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WOMAN DRIVERS OF THE YEAR
10th PLACE GOES TO
9th PLACE GOES TO
8th PLACE GOES TO
7th PLACE GOES TO
6th PLACE GOES TO
5th PLACE GOES TO
4th PLACE GOES TO
THE BRONZE MEDAL GOES TO
THE SILVER MEDAL GOES TO
THE GOLD MEDAL WINNER
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A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking
company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say,
at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favorite donkey, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just
answer the question? Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
fine!'?
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the
Red Seam cop on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks
after the accident he is trying to sue my client.
I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the
question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and
said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favorite donkey, Bessie."
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had
just loaded Bessie, my favorite donkey, into the trailer and was
driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer
ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown
into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real
bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and
groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly
after the accident a babylon came on the scene. He could hear
Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at
her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the
cop came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said "How
are you feeling?"
"Now what the blows cup would you say?"
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To All My Friends Who Have Barraged Me With Those Countless
Informative E-mail's, Thought I Would Show My Appreciation With A Big Thanks !
To Whoever Sent Me the One about Rat Poop in the Glue on Envelopes
because I Now Have To Use A Wet Towel with Every Envelope That Needs Sealing.
Also, I Now Have To Scrub the Top of Every Can I open For the Same
Reason. I No Longer Have Any Savings Because I Gave It To A Sick Girl (Penny
Brown) Who Is About To Die In The Hospital For The 1,387,258th Time
But That Will Change Once I Receive The $15,000 That Bill
Gates/Microsoft And AOL Are Sending Me For Participating In Their Special E-mail
Program.
I No Longer Worry About My Soul Because I Have 363,214 Angels Looking
Out For Me, And St. Theresa's Novena Has Granted My Every Wish.
I No Longer Eat KFC Because Their Chickens Are Actually Horrible
Mutant Freaks With No Eyes Or Feathers As Soon As I Get My Free Dinner
Coupons From Applebee's, I Can Eat Again.
I No Longer Use Cancer-Causing Deodorants Even Though I Smell Like A
Water Buffalo On A Hot Day.
Thanks To You, I Have Learned That My Prayers Only Get Answered If I
Forward An Email To Seven Of My Friends And Make A Wish Within Five
Minutes.
Because Of Your Concern I No Longer Drink Coca Cola Because It Can
Remove Toilet Stains.
I No Longer Can Buy Gasoline Without Taking A Man Along To Watch The
Car So A Serial Killer Won't Crawl In My Back Seat When I'm Pumping Gas.
I No Longer Drink Pepsi Or Dr. Pepper Since The People Who Make These
Products Are Atheists Who Refuse To Put "Under God" On Their Cans.
I No Longer Use Saran Wrap In The Microwave Because It Causes Cancer.
And Thanks For Letting Me Know I Can't Boil A Cup Water In The
Microwave Anymore Because It Will Blow Up In My Face..Disfiguring Me For Life.
I No Longer Check The Coin Return On Pay Phones Because I Could Be
Pricked With A Needle Infected With Aids.
I No Longer Go To Shopping Malls Because Someone Will Drug Me With a
Perfume Sample And Rob Me.
I No Longer Receive Packages From UPS Or Fedex Since They Are
Actually Al Qaeda In Disguise.
I No Longer Shop At Target Since They Are French And Don't Support
Our American Troops Or The Salvation Army.
I No Longer Answer the Phone Because Someone Will Ask Me To Dial A
Number For Which I Will Get A Phone Bill Totaling $2,374.76 With Calls To
Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, And Uzbekistan.
I No Longer Have Any Sneakers -- But That Will Change Once I Receive
My Free Replacement Pair From Nike.
I No Longer Buy Expensive Cookies From Neiman Marcus Since I Now Have
Their Recipe.
And Thanks To Your Great Advice, I Can't Ever Pick Up $5.00 Dropped
In The
Parking Lot Because It Probably Was Placed There By A Sex Molester
Waiting Underneath My Car To Grab My Leg.
Oh, And Don't Forget This One Either!
I Can No Longer Drive My Car Because I Can't Buy Gas >From Certain
Gas Companies!
Thanks To You, I Can't Use Anyone's Toilet But Mine Because A Big
Brown African Spider Is Lurking Under The Seat To Cause Me Instant Death
When It Bites My Ass.
And Remember, If You Don't Send To At Least 144,000
People In The Next 7 Minutes, A Large Dove With Diarrhea Will Land On Your Head
At 5:00 PM This Afternoon And The Fleas From 12 Camels Will Infest Your
Back, Causing You To Grow A Hairy Hump.
I Know This Will Occur Because It Actually Happened To A Friend Of My
Next Door Neighbor's Ex-Mother-In-law's Second Husband's Cousin's
Beautician
Thank you, and Have A Wonderful Day.... but most of all..
zzzzzzz--zz
Oh! One Last Bit Of Noteworthy News:
South American Scientists from Argentina, after a Lengthy Study,
Discovered That People With Insufficient Brain And Sexual Activity;
Read Their E-mail With Their Hand On The Mouse.
Don't Bother Taking It Off Now, It's Too Late.
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"A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the
bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words,playing soft music and anything else he could think of to
"clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot
got angrier and even ruder.John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him into the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over one minute.Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my
rude language and actions....I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate
transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a
dramatic change in behavior, thebird continued,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"
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How Contracts are issued In JA
Three contractors are bidding to fix the fence at Jamaica House. One
is from Montego Bay, another from Kingston and the third, from Mandeville.
They go with an official from Jamaica House, to examine the fence.
The Mo-Bay contractor takes out a tape measure and does some
measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says.
"De job gwine run yuh 'bout $9million: $4million fi material, $4million fi my crew an
' $1million profit fi me."
The Mandeville contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then
says, "I can do dis job fi $7million; $3million fi material, $3million fi my crew and
$1million profit fi Me. "
The Kingston contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to
the Jamaica House official and whispers: "$15million."
The official, incredulous, observes: "Yuh didn't even tek measurement
like de addah contractah dem! Weh yuh get such a high figgah?"
"Easy man," the Kingstonian explains,
"Look yah!This is how it go.
$4 million fi you,
$4 million fi me
an' we hire de breddah from Mandeville to do the job".
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Take a picture of yourself click here
Secret of a long marriage
With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the churches
marriage marathon, the minister asked Brother Ralph to take a few minutes
and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all
these years.
The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with
respect,&n bsp;spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on
special occasions."
The minister inquired," trips to where?"
"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China ."
The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all
husbands Ralph, please tell the audience what you're going to do for your
wife on your 50th anniversary? "
Brother Ralph: "I'm going to go get her."
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THE HUSBAND STORE
A store that sells NEW HUSBANDS has just opened in New York City,
where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the
entrance is a description of how the store operates.
"You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are SIX floors and the
attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor,
or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to
exit the building!"
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are
extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men
have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh my goodness!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs,
love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong
romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
A New Wives Store opened across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited
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WEST VIRGINIA GHOST STORY
This happened about a month ago just outside a little town in the low
country of West Virginia, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale,
it's real. A guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a really dark
night in the middle of a thunder storm.
Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could
hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving
slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly crept
toward him and stopped.
Wanting a ride really bad, the guy jumped in the car and closed the door,
only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel. The car
slowly started moving and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of
jumping out and running.
The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve, still too
scared to jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life; he was sure
the ghost car would go off the road and into the marsh and he would surely
drown, when just before the curve, a hand appeared through the driver's
window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the
bend.
Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they
reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could
take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.
Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots
of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience.
A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy
was telling the truth and was not just some drunk.
About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the
other:
"Look Bubba, there's that idiot who rode in our car when we were
pushing it in the rain."
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They Walk Among Us
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old
fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home.
You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there
without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that
people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true,
so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day
someone stole it.
Caution... They Walk Among Us!
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone
shouted...."Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and
said..."where???"
They Walk among us!!
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which
direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking
him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When
my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime,
she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
They Walk Among Us!!
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I
got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was
open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said,
"Uh, Pacific"
They Walk Among Us!!!
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we
overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a
convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was
moving".
They Walk Among Us!!!!
I told the girl at the steakhouse register that I wanted the half pound
sirloin. She informed me they only had an 8 ounce sirloin. Not wanting
to make a scene, I told her I would take the 8 ounce steak instead of the
half-pounder.
They walk among us!
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through
a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk...
They Walk Among Us!!!!!
My friends and I were on a Pepsi run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The
cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount....
They Walk Among Us!!!!!!
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring
attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain
rip out every time she turned her head?" I had to explain that a person's
nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...
They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to
the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained
professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "Has your plane arrived yet?"...
They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza
to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it
cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before
responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!
Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they also reproduce!!!!
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