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JOKES PAGE 5

No Nursing Home for Me

About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western mediterranean aboard a cruise liner.
At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room.
I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told that she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back-to-back

As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises". She replied, "Yes, that's true." I stated, I don't understand" and she replied, without a pause, It's cheaper than a nursing home".

So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations on a cruise and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. that leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.

2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast-in-bed every day of the week).

3. Ships have as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.
4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.

7. T.V. Broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.
8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go?

There's a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.

PS: And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side - no charge.

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LIGHT BEER

CARD SHARK

ASSAULTED PEANUT

DANDY LIONS

DOCTOR PEPPER

EGG PLANT

KNIGHT MARE

HOLE MILK

KING OF POP

TAP DANCERS

GATOR AIDE

A POOL TABLE

i-POD

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JAMAICAN Flat Screen TV

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Las Vegas Churches

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN ! LAS VEGAS BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.



THIS IS DONE BY THE .......

CHIP MONKS...! :)




YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU ? GOTCHA

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A Blonde's Year in Review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....
box said "2-4 years!"

April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of
water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour
per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911 ..... "duh".....there's no "eleven"
Button on the stupid phone!!!

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Jamaican Alphabets Hay...Bee...Cee... Dee ...Hee...Heff...Gee...Haych...Hi..Jay...Kay...HellHemm...Henn...Hoe...Pee...Quu...Harr...Hess...Tee...You....Vee...Dab'low...Hexx...Why...Zedd

Three Little Bears (Jamaican Version)If there were bears in Jamaica ,
this would be the localversion... Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits
in his small chair at thetable, he looks into his small bowl. It is
empty. "Mama, smady eat meporridge!!" he squeaks. Papa Bear arrives
at the big table and sits in his big chair. HeLooks into his bowl,
and it is also empty. "A who eat mi porridge?!!" heroars. Momma Bear
puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchenAnd yells at
the top of her voice, "Ah me get up first and wake upeverybody else
ina de house. A me mek de tea. A me wash up di dish dem and putweheveryting.
A me go out inna de cold morning air an fetch denewspaper. A me set
de table. An a me put out de puss, clean de litter box anfull de
water and food dish. An now unuh decide fe drag oono sorry bear-ass
downstairs andgrace mi kitchen wid unuh grumpy self! Well mek mi tell
oonu dis once anfor all.......... MI NUH MEK NO R#$@ PARRIDGE YET!!"

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All passengers are in the gate area waiting anxiously to board their Air
Jamaica flight to the UK.

The flight crew are now about to board, with the co-pilot arriving -
impeccably dressed in his uniform, wearing dark glasses and with a white
cane finding his way to the gate.

The airline flight attendants explain to the passengers, that although he is
blind, he is one of the best co-pilots in the company.

A few moments later, the pilot arrives. He too is also impeccably dressed in
his uniform, dark glasses and carrying a white cane, and he is
being assisted by two flight attendants. The representative in charge at the
waiting area assures all passengers that although the pilot is blind, he is
the best pilot in the company, and
he and the co-pilot are, together, the airline's most experienced team in
the cockpit.

With everyone on board, the plane is now ready to proceed onto the runway,
ready to take its turn.

Now on the runway, the Air Jamaica aircraft increases its speed ready for
take off...more and more the speed is increasing.

Still continuing down the runway the plane does not take off; it continues
to run but stays on the ground.

By this time the passengers are terrified as they all realize that the end
of the runway is getting closer and closer, and in an explosion of general
hysteria, all of the passengers start screaming as if they are possessed.

At that very moment the plane miraculously lifts off.....

The pilot calmly turns to the co-pilot and says:
'Any day di passenger dem no scream....we salt!!!'

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Sisters Mary Catherine, Maria Theresa, Katherine Marie, Rose Frances, & Mary Kathleen left the Convent on a trip to St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York City and were sight-seeing on a Tuesday in July. It was hot and humid in town and their traditional garb was making them so uncomfortable, they decided to stop in at Patty McGuire's Pub for a cold soft drink.

Patty had recently added special legs to his barstools, which were the talk of the fashionable eastside neighborhood. All 5 Nuns sat up at the bar and were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley and Father McGinty entered the bar through the front door.

They, too, came for a cold drink when they were shocked and almost fainted at what they saw.

(scroll down)

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So, it's your first kiss and several questions might come to mind:

Is it the right time?

Is anyone watching?

Does your partner even want to?

Is your breath fresh?

And... Should you use some tongue?

Then you lean in and just go for it!!!

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What's Really In beverage Machines - Click Here

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Some ladies were flying from Kingston to Miami . Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Mobay along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, " Babsie, we are in Vernamfield for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"
The blind lady replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!

The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

True story.... Have a great day and remember...

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THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.

SOME FACTS

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you
would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser
printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey

Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day

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SOME RIDDLES

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off'
(The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your
right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a
galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is another galloping horse. Both horses are also traveling at the
same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous
situation?

* Get your drunk behind off the merry-go-round. *

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SOME HUMOUR

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are
always getting into trouble, and their parents know all about it. If
any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town has been successful
in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her
boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the
older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger
boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there
wide-eyed and his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,
"Where is God?"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the
boys face and bellowed, "Where is God?"
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove
into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,
"What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG
trouble this time."

"GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D.
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

This is how it develops:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table
that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under
the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table
and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox,
when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left. My
extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk
where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that
I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I
decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter,
and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and
suddenly I spot the TV remote Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back
in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some
towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember
what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed,
the bills aren't paid,
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled
because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but
first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I
don't remember to whom it has been sent.

GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC.

P.S I just remembered.

I LEFT THE WATER RUNNING IN THE DRIVEWAY!

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