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Send your jokes in to info@oncetime.com _______________________________________________________________________________ Pages: Prev - 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 - Next JOKES PAGE 4
Questions: Is represented as: Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E AND, look how far the love of God will take you L- O- V- E-O-F-G-O-D 12+15+22+5+15+6+7+15+4 = 101% Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that: _______________________________________________________________ This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to Well, my job is done! _______________________________________________________________________________
A young fellow had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked _______________________________________________________________________________
Men in Heaven The man replied, 'My wife told me to stand here.' _______________________________________________________________________________
This is dedicated to anyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
ONE MAN'S STORY Dear Diary. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress: MONDAY Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week! TUESDAY WEDNESDAY THURSDAY FRIDAY SATURDAY SUNDAY like a root canal or a vasectomy _______________________________________________________________________________
See how many you can answer. 1. This town clock's tower was paid for by one of Jamaica 's German
Lucea. 2. Where was the first place in Jamaica to have electricity?
Black River. It was installed by the Leyden family in their house in 1893. 3. Who said "I would rather die in yonder gallows than be a slave another
Sam Sharpe. 4. Who said "The monster is dead. The negro is free" and where did he say
William Knibb, midnight on August 1st 1838 in Falmouth . He was preaching 5. Where in Jamaica had piped water before New York City did?
Falmouth. A 20 foot water wheel was installed in 1799 on lands at Martha 6. Who was the first black Custos of St. Andrew and what famous edifice
George Steibel. Devon House in 1881. 7. What is the tea made from Love Bush good for? Colic, asthma and "mirasmi."
Camels. 9. What is another name for "Halifax Mutton". Saltfish. Originally a cheap source of protein imported from Nova Scotia A pad of leaves or cloth placed under loads carried on the head. 11. Solas Market became Jubilee Market. What was its name before that? There are currently 4 main markets in Kingston : Jubilee, Queens, _______________________________________________________________________________ Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder This is how it develops: I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox, when I take out the I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left. My I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: ----the car isn't ----the bills aren't paid, ----there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, ----the flowers don't have enough water, ----there is still only 1 check in my check book, ----I can't find the remote, ----I can't find my glasses, ----and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming! GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL. LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC. P.S I just remembered. I LEFT THE WATER RUNNING IN THE DRIVEWAY! _______________________________________________________________________________
Absence Notes from Parents - FUN
NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are REAL notes written by PARENTS in a Tennessee school district. (Spellings [or misspellings!] have been left intact.) Most of them are funny, but some are just sad. 1-- MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE P. E. TODAY. PLEASE EXECUTE HIM. 2-- PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK AND I HAD HER SHOT 3-- DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 AND ALSO 33. 4-- PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS ADMINISTRATING. 5-- PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS. YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP. 6-- JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE. 7-- CARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL. HE WAS HURT IN THE GROWING PART. 8-- MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN BOTHERED BY VERY CLOSE VEINS. 9-- CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN HIS SIDE. 10-- PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL HE HAS VERY LOOSE VOWELS. 11-- PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD (DIAHRE, DYREA, DIREATHE), THE SH**S. note: words in ( )'s were crossed out. 12-- PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD DIARRHEA, AND HIS BOOTS LEAK. 13 PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD A COLD AND COULD NOT BREED WELL. 14-- PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS FATHER'S FAULT. 15-- I KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BECAUSE DON'T KNOW WHAT SIZE SHE WEAR. 16-- PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL YESTERDAY WE FORGOT TO GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY. WE THOUGHT IT WAS SUNDAY. 17-- MARYANN WAS ABSENT DECEMBER 11-16, BECAUSE SHE HAD A FEVER, SORETHROAT, HEADACHE AND UPSET STOMACH. HER SISTER WAS ALSO SICK, FEVER AN SORE THROAT, HER BROTHER HAD A LOW GRADE FEVER AND ACHED ALL OVER. I WASN'T THE BEST EITHER SORE THROAT AND FEVER. THERE MUST BE SOMETHING GOING AROUND, HER FATHER EVEN GOT HOT LAST NIGHT.
NOW WE KNOW WHY PARENTS ARE SCREAMING FOR BETTER EDUCATION FOR OUR KIDS. _______________________________________________________________________________
THREE JAMAICAN SONS The first son said, 'Mi bill a big house wid land an gi mama.' The second son said, 'Mi sen har a cris Benz wid a driver' The third smiled and said, 'Mi beat di 2 a unnu. Yuh memba how Mama use to love fi read har Bible? An yuh know seh she cyaan see too good. Mi sen har a Church parrot dat recite di entire Bible. It tek di elders inna di church 15 years fi teach im. Im exclusive man. Mama jus ha-fi name di chapter an di verse, an di parrot wi recite it.' Soon thereafter, Mother sent out her letters of thanks: 'Milton,' she wrote one son, 'A weh duh yuh bwoy, a chupid yuh chupid suh. Di house yuh bill too big. A mi one live inna one room, but mi always ha fi a clean di whole house.' 'Winston,' she wrote to another, 'Yuh a eediat, yuh dun know mi too old fi travel. Mi always inna di yard, suh mi nuh use di Mercedes an di driver im too dyam facey!' 'Dearest Delroy,' she wrote to her third son, 'you have the good sense fi know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious.'
A young Jamaican father-to-be awakened the village doctor in the obliged, and behold, a baby's cry was soon heard. The father cried out: The father then asked; "Doc, yuh tink maybe a di light a attrac dem?" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A boat docked by Port Royal by Gloria's fish place. An American tourist complimented the Jamaican fisherman on the quality of his snapper fish and asked how long it took him to catch them. "Not very long," answered Leroy. "But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American. The Jamaican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family. The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?" "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into Kingston to see my friends, play dominoes, drink a rum...I have a full life." The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard, and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat." "And after that?" asked Leroy. "With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middleman, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little place and move to Kingston, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise." "How long would that take?" asked the Jamaican. "Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American. "And after that?" "Afterwards? Well my Friend, That's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!" "Millions? Really? And after that?" said Leroy "After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings doing what you like and enjoying your friends." And the moral is: Know where you're going in life...you may already be there. ------------------------------------------------------------------- A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Trevor and Tony are walking home from Greater Portmore to Waterford after a night of drinking. They have no money to get a taxi and are staggering all over the place when they find themselves outside the bus depot. Trevor has an idea and says to Tony: "Guh in deh and t'ief a bus so we can drive guh home. Mi wi stay out ya an' watch out fi di police". "Wha' di hell you a do Tony?? Mek a move nuh man!" To which Tony replies "Mi caan find no Waterford bus nuhweh, Star!" Where upon Trevor, holding his hands to his head in disbelief, shouts, "Wha' wrong wid yuh man? Yuh a eediat??? Weh yuh nuh jus' t'ief a downtown bus and mek wi come off out a di T-Junction and walk di res' a di way!" _______________________________________________________________________________
At a U2 concert in Ireland, Bono, the lead singer, asks the audience for Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone, " I A Jamaican in the front yells out, "Den stop clap yu rass hand nuh man." _______________________________________________________________________________ Contribution to the War on Terror It was announced today that Jamaica is now prepared to help the US in its However, after the exchange rate, that comes down to a canoe, two yardies _______________________________________________________________________________ Middle aged woman song - click to listen _______________________________________________________________________________ Curry Goat Prank - Audio Joke - click to listen
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY.. 1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS. 2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR..... 3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION. 5. WHY DO YOU DRIVE ON A PARKWAY AND PARK ON A DRIVEWAY? 6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, 7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS? 8. IF A DEAF PERSON SWEARS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP? 9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, 10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM? 11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?" 12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL 13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES? 14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK? 15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? 16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED? 17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS? 18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, 19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES? 20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS ROADS 21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD? 22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: 23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA? 24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY? 25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR? 26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO? 27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY? 28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE? 29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD "LISP" TO HAVE "S" IN IT? 30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"? 31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM? 32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM? 33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES. 34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD? _______________________________________________________________________________
Children's Science Answers _______________________________________________________________________________
Just received the information below from a brain specialist.
Have you ever wondered how a woman's brain works?
Every one of those little blue balls is a thought
A man has only 2 balls and they take up _______________________________________________________________________________
JAMAICAN BEGGAR CLASSIC After a while John started to give the beggar $7.00. The Beggar After a while John started to give the Beggar $5.00. The Beggar He stopped John one morning after accepting $5.00 and said, John replied, "Boy, times have been hard. My eldest boy just The beggar looked at him with impatience and asked, "Exactly how "Four," replied John. The now irate beggar asked in a tone of disbelief, "So you mean _______________________________________________________________________________
THE ABILITY TO MAKE AND UNDERSTAND PUNS IS THE HIGHEST LEVEL OF LANGUAGE DEVELOPMENT... Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest: 1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons The stewardess 2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says 3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the 4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other 5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root 6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing 7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes 8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened 9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which 10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
The Wisdom of Leroy the JBC TV Cable Guy 1. A day without sunshine is like night.
_______________________________________________________________________________
BIBLE JOKES Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth? A. Ruthless. Q. What do they call pastors in Germany? A. German Shepherds. Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? Q.. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible? Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy? Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible? Q. Which Bible character had no parents? Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ? PS. Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee? _______________________________________________________________________________
Letter to Mom & Dad**** A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his Then he saw, propped up prominently on the pillow, an envelope that With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope with trembling Dear Mom and Dad; It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice. Stacy said that we will be very happy. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live n the meantime, we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to Love, your son, Jordan P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the eport card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Please call me when it's safe to come home. _______________________________________________________________________________
Remember this next time you get caught speeding. Subject: Fw: Officer Liar - Speeding??? Older Woman: "Is there a problem, Officer?" Officer: "Ma'am, you were speeding." MORAL: _______________________________________________________________________________
Last week was my birthday ..... I went downstairs for breakfast As it turned out, I thought... My kids came bounding down stairs to As I walked into my office, I worked until one o'clock , We went to lunch. I responded, After arriving at her apartment, She went into the bedroom and, On the couch... Naked! _______________________________________________________________________________
Some tips for retirement planning from an expert in the industry: If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock three years ago, it would With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00. But if over the last three years you had purchased $1000.00 worth of So based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink _______________________________________________________________________________
I can't help but believe that somehow a Jamaican was involved...... Ramsingh and Dolly were married for many years even though they hated The old man would shout, "When I dead, so help meh, I go dig meh way up Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced some kinda obeah Ramsingh liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he After the burial she went straight to the beer garden and began to party "Dolly, gyal you aint fraid Ramsingh gon dig e way up and outa de grave Dolly put down the Carib and said, "Yuh tink I chupid or what? Leh him _______________________________________________________________________________
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll." The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. "Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?" "Oh," she said, "That's the money I made from selling the dolls." Women will love this... Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man, love to forgive him, And I don't know how to crochet. Amen _______________________________________________________________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asks, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long? So you see, there really are 2 ways to look at everything!! _______________________________________________________________________________
Leroy from Port Antonio always wanted to look cool.
His friend told him that he needed a good designer pair of sneakers to go with his sweat-suit.
Leroy saved up all his pay slips and all the money he got back from returning his empty bottles of Red Stripe and finally managed to get himself a pair of brilliant white sneakers to go with his sweat-suit.
Proudly, he strutted down the street calling out to all the passers by "See meh new sneakers dem? Cool, eh?"
One fine upstanding gentleman pointed out that they were indeed a fine pair of sneakers but was young Leroy aware that he had a lace undone?
Leroy scornfully retorted that it was part of being cool to have a trailing lace and that on the bottom of the sneakers there were instructions for the wearer to only have one lace tied.
When asked for proof of this instruction, Leroy took off his sneakers and held it upside down for the disbeliever to read. "There y'are! It clearly says ...
"TAIWAN." _______________________________________________________________________________
What I Do With My Time Working people frequently ask us retired people what we do to I went up to him and said, "Come on buddy, how about giving a He glared at me and then started writing another ticket for worn I called him a jerk and a pig. Then he started writing a third Personally, I didn't give a darn. I came downtown by bus. I _______________________________________________________________________________
A public school teacher was arrested today at At a morning press conference, Attorney General "Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire As the Greek philanderer, Isosceles used to say, "There are When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said: _______________________________________________________________________________
Temperatures 60 above zero: Arizonians turn on the heat. People in Canada plant gardens. 50 above zero: Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Canada sunbathe. 40 above zero: Italian & English cars won't start. People in Canada drive with the windows down. 32 above zero: Distilled water freezes. The water in Barrie gets thicker. 20 above zero: Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, and wool hats. People in Canada throw on a flannel shirt. 15 above zero: New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Canada have the last cookout before it gets cold. 0 - People in Miami all die. Canadians close the windows. 10 below zero: Californians fly away to Mexico . People in Canada get out their winter coats. 25 below zero: Hollywood disintegrates. The Girl Scouts in Canada are selling cookies door to door. (True!) 40 below zero: Washington DC runs out of hot air. People in Canada let the dogs sleep indoors. 100 below zero: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Canadians get upset because they can't start the Mini-Van. 460 below zero: ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale.) People in Canada start saying..."Cold 'nuff fer ya Eh?" 500 below zero: Hell freezes over. Canadian public schools will open 2 hours late.
_______________________________________________________________________________ An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? "Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an Ax and Two
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- With couples celebrating their 50th anniversary at Ralph replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent The minister inquired, "Trips to where?" "For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China." The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, "I'm going to go get her."
------------------------------------------------------------------------ A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets up The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use. And that he He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh I'm sorry The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to
_______________________________________________________________________________ A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond To which she replied, "There certainly is!" (Are you ready? This is a beauty...) My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!" _______________________________________________________________________________
Secret to a Long Marriage With couples celebrating their 50th anniversary at Ralph replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her The minister inquired, "Trips to where?" "For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, The minister then said, "What a terrific example you "I'm going to go get her." _______________________________________________________________________________
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in "House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa." "Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz." A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the Each group was asked to give four reasons for its The men's group decided that "computer" should 1. No one but their creator understands their internal 2. The native language they use to communicate with 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find (THIS GETS BETTER!) The women's group, however, concluded that computers 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if The women won.
_______________________________________________________________________________ Here is the substitute for the flu shot. _______________________________________________________________________________
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over
"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.
Are you ready for this? * "WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!" _______________________________________________________________________________
A Jamaican and his hotel bill A Jamaican and his wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. The Jamaican explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He The Manager appears, listens to the Jamaican, and then explains that the "But we didn't use them", the Jamaican complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. The Manager goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the Jamaican replies, The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the Jamaican gives up and agrees "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100." "That's right," says the Jamaican. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. "Well," the Jamaican replies, "she was here, and you could have." _______________________________________________________________________________
Blond's new cell phone This should make all you technologically challenged people feel GOOD: He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Susie was The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, "Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?" Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a "What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband. "How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?" _______________________________________________________________________________ Pages: Prev - 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 - Next
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