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JOKES PAGE 2
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One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men
Along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I
Also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for
A car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.
You'll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high."
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LIE CLOCKS
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked St. Peter, 'Wah dem clock deh fah?'
St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone's Lie-Clocks. Every time you tell a lie the hands on your clock move.' 'Oh ho', said the man. 'So who fah clock dat?' he asked pointing to a gold clock on the wall. 'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.
''Eh heh?', said the man. 'And who fah clock is dat one?' he asked again, pointing to a huge silver clock on the wall. St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.
''So wheh Portia Simpson clock deh?' asked the man. 'Simpson's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.
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TWO NUNS
There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me
SM : Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he c ould.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
I'll pray for you!
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(Maybe we aren't so dumb after all? ......
Read the following and judge for yourself.)
Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get
through to enquiries, can you help?"
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, Sir?"
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre."
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours."
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Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking
about."
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide, it clearly states
that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and
telephone Jack before cleaning." Now, can you give me the number
for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall."
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Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France):
"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel
to the other side of the car?"
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Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff
please."
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling
correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but
the 'B' fell off."
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Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in
Scotland."
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Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "OK."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK, Sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until
this point?"
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote
'click'."
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Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you
see
the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
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Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised
that I
need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back
again?"
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There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long
time.
I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story
from
the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring
the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was
fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for
"Termination without Cause."
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!.)
Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble?"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the
words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm ... So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing?"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept
anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a
TV. Does it have
a little light that tells you when it's on?"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: ; "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find
where the power
cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall."
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two
cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again
and find the other
cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely
into the back of your
computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean
way over?"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -
it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark?"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I
have is coming in from
the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power........ A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got
it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came
in?"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it
up just like it
was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: ; "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell
them?"
Operator: "Tell them you're too (bleeping) stupid to own a
computer!"
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GOD:
Frank , you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on
down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and
stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants
grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar
from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds.
I expected to see a vast garden of colours by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.
Saint FRANCIS:
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites.
They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and
replace them with grass.
GOD:
Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colourful. It doesn't
attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod
worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that
grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS :
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green.
They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that
crops up in the lawn.
GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass
grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS :
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it
--sometimes twice a week.
GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS :
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS :
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD:
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow.
And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS :
Yes, Sir.
GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we
cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the
growth and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS:
You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing
so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they
can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees.
That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself.
The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer.
In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture
in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.
ST FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle.
As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to
have them hauled away.
GOD:
No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in
the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch.
They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD:
Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore.
St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE:
"Dumb and Dumber", Lord. It's a story about....
GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
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WARNING: Don't Cook With Bacon Grease
DANGER DANGER DANGER
This is what happens when you keep cooking with bacon grease.
This is a warning, send this to everyone you care about.
It could happen to you...
Bacon grease will make your feet small!! Warn everyone !!
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Peter went to school late one morning, and his teacher who happens to support the Peoples National Party questioned Peter to why he was so late.
Peter response was "Miss mi DOG just ave six puppies an all a dem a PNP so mi haffi mek sure dem alrite"
The teacher was pleased. And didn't bother to punish Peter.
A week later Peter was once again late for school, this time he was accosted by his Principal and teacher.
The Principal questioned Peter to why he was late this morning and he said " Miss, mi Dawg have 6 Puppies last week, an all a dem a LABOURITES" the teacher being astonished asked Peter, "I thought u said they were COMRADES!!!!" .
" YES MISS BUT THAT WAS BEFORE DEM OPEN DEM EYES."
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