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JOKES PAGE 10
MODERN AGE GROCERY STORE
The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the
produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm and the smell
of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the
scent of fresh butter fat.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle and the air is filled
with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.
So far I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle
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An very old man lived alone in St. Mary, Jamaica. Very broke at the
time, he wanted to plough his field to plant potatoes, but it was very hard
work, and he was unable to do it alone. His only son, who would have
helped him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.
Shortly, he received this reply,
"Papa, beg yu nuh dig up the garden, that's where I bury di GUNS!"
At 4 a.m. the next morning police and soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden,
without finding any guns.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and
asking him what to do next. His son's reply was:
"Now plant yu potatoes, Papa. Is the best me coulda do fi yu at this time."
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A Jamaican man went to the Kingston Public Hospital for medical assistance, he had both ears severely
burnt.
Doctor: " how did you get your ears so terribly burnt sir? "
Patient: " yuh si docta, mi dida rush fi ga wuk , so mid dida hurry fi
ian my shut. when mi a press one idiot call me pa mi cell an insteada
answer di phone mi pick up eh ion an' ansa it. "
Doctor: " yes sir I understand how one ear could be burnt but I still
cannot understand how you got both ears burnt "
Patient: ... " di fool nuh call back.. "
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Medical Reports
Actual writing on hospital charts
1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only
a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
very hot in bed last night.
6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
7. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it
disappeared.
8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.
9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
10. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but
forgetful.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until
she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.
21.Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit
on the abdomen and I agree.
22. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as
a stock broker instead.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. Skin: somewhat pale. But present.
25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
28. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
29. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane
ran out of gas and crashed.
30. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
31. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate
directions in early December.
32. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was
feeling better.
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A new computer operating system was announced from MacroHard designed for Jamaicans
WINDOWS 98 -YARDIE VERSION
When yuh open di Yaadie edition yuh wi si di opening screen. It reads:
"WINDAS 98", wit a background picture of Halfway Tree Square.
When yuh start di program yuh wi hear di Bad bwoy antem: "Murda-ra Blood
deh pan yuh shoulda" By Buju Banton.
Please also note:
Recycle Bin is labelled "General penitentiary."
My Computer is called "A Fimi Own."
The Inbox is referred to as "Barrel come."
Deleted Items are referred to as "Gaan, Rub out, Yuh Salt."
Dial up Networking is called "Ring mi Cellie."
Control Panel is known as the "Babylon."
Performing' an "illegal operation" is known as "Smuggling not allowed
unless part of the Govament"
Hard Drive is referred to as "Reema an Jungle."
Instead of an error message, "Ediat! Yuh know weh yuh a do?" pops up.
CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN DA YAADIE EDITION:
OK.............. Cool Noh
Cancel.......... No badda yaw man
Reset.......... Rewine
Yes............. Irie
No.............. No sah
Find............ Look fi it
Browse.......... Faas
Back............ Tun roun
Help............ (this is not a feature ..Jamaicans know it all an doan need
noh help)
Stop............ Dun now
Start........... Gwan troo
Settings........ Di set up
Also note dat keyboard noh of di YAADIE EDITION no have di letter "H."
Wi doan use dat in wi vocabulary ..So dis is how yuh mus type certain "H"
words:
Help????.. elp
Horrible?. . Arrible
Heart ??? Art
Heavy ??.. Eby
Honda??.. Unda
Handkerchief ?. Kerchief
Holiday ??? Alliday
Please feel free to return any found YAADIE EDITION to the INS for instant
deportation back to JA.
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The sales rep from the Corona Beer Company in Mexico sits at a bar in
Toronto and says to the bartender "Senor, I would like the world's best
beer, Corona."
The Budweiser rep who was also at the same beer convention in the city
sits on the stool beside the Corona rep and says "I would like a bottle
of the best beer in the world, King of beers, a Budweiser please."
So next, in walked the Coors rep who shouted "I would like the world's
best beer made with Rocky Mountain Spring water, barkeep, give me a
Coors beer please."
While everyone was sipping on their drinks, in walks the rep from
Jamaica's Red Stripe breweries and orders a "Sprite" soft drink.
The barkeep asks "How come you aren't having a Red Stripe?"
The Jamaican replies,
"Chuh, if dem man ya nah drink no beer, mi naah badda neidah!!!"
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International Airport test
A study was conducted recently to determine the average crime rate
at international airports around the world. The study made use of an
ordinary looking man standing in the airport terminal and reading a
newspaper. He had an empty briefcase next to him, which he would ignore.
Observers then recorded how long it took for the briefcase to be snatched.
In Brussels, Belgium the case was stolen within 4 minutes and 20
seconds.
In Washington DC it was stolen within 3 minutes and 16 seconds.
At Heathrow, London the briefcase was snatched in less than 2
minutes.
In New York, the case was stolen within 1 minute and 5 seconds.
In Los Angeles it took only 43 seconds before the case was
snatched.
In Kingston, Jamaica, the people conducting the study were
robbed on the way to the airport and the briefcase was stolen
along with their car!
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The Three Bears (Jamaican version):
If there were bears in Jamaica, this would be the local version...
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he
looks into his small bowl. It is empty.
"Mama, sombady eat me porridge!!" he squeaks.
Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his bowl,
and it is also empty. "A who eat mi porridge?!!" he roars.
Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
yells at the top of her voice,
"Ah me get up first and wake up everybody else ina de house. A me mek de tea.
A me wash up di dish dem and put weh everyting. A me go out inna de cold morning
air an fetch de newspaper. A me set de table. An a me put out de puss, clean de litter
box an full de water and food dish.
An now unuh decide fe drag oono sorry selves downstairs and grace mi kitchen wid
unuh grumpy self!
Well mek mi tell oonu dis once an for all..........
MI NUH MEK NO @#$% PARRIDGE YET!!"
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WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN AT
THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Monday, January 9th, 2006
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at < /B>7:00 PM.
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM
Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Threenights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses,
diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
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Two Jamaican badman are walking through country.
They haven't eaten for days and are starving. They see a tree in
the distance. As they get nearer, they notice it's draped with
rashers of bacon, smoked bacon, crispy bacon, boiled bacon, grilled
bacon,all sorts of bacon.
'Look deh!', says the first badman, 'a bacon tree! And we ah
dead fe hungry! So he runs up to the tree.
As he gets close, he's gunned down in a hail of bullets.
His friend shouts, 'What happen? What happen?'
The first badman replies, 'No come yah man! A no bacon tree, is
a ham bush!'
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I came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build
muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy,
so I thought I'd pass it on. The article suggested doing it three
days a week. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface,
where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms
straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as
you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each day,
you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks. Then
50-lb. potato sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you
can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms
straight for more than a full minute.
Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.
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A Kansas senior citizen bought a 1956 Red Corvette convertible.
He took off down I - 35, speeding at 85 mph, enjoying the wind
blowing through his hair.
"This is great," he thought, as he roared down the highway. He
pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his
rear view mirror, and discovered a Kansas State Patrol officer right
behind him, blue lights flashing, and siren blaring. "I can get away
from him with no problem" thought the man. He pushed the gas
pedal all the way to the floor, and flew down the highway at 100 mph.
Then 110, and 120. Then he thought,"What am I doing? I'm too
old for this kind of thing." So he pulled over to the side of the road,
and waited for the officer to catch up with him.
The officer pulled in behind the 1956 Red Corvette, and calmly
walked up to the driver's door. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch.
"My shift ends in 20 minutes. If you can explain why you were
speeding away from me, with an excuse that I've never heard
before, I'll let you go."
The man looked at the officer and said, "Twenty years ago, my
wife ran off with a Kansas State Patrol Officer, and I thought
you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," said the officer.
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A new young minister was visiting in the homes of his church community.
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer
came to his repeated knocks at the door.
Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20"
on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that
his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message,
"Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in
gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was
afraid, for I was naked."
Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still
are!
"A cheerful heart is good medicine" (Proverbs 17:22) Now, share it
with your friends!
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A FUNNY PIECE OF news
Port of Spain, Trinidad (AP) - A seven year old boy was at the
center of a Trinidad Courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a
court
ruling over whom should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge
initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child
custody law and regulations requiring that the family unity be
maintained
to the degree
possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed, that whilst
visiting his aunt during the summer holidays, that his aunt beat him
more than
his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.
When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the
boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder
of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was
apparently
a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of
allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child
welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the West
Indies Cricket Team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable
of beating anyone.
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YOU MIGHT BE JAMAICAN IF...
1.. You point with your mouth
2.. You express disgust by hissing your teeth
3.. You 'cut yu yeye' when you are upset with someone
4.. You distinguish between 'good clothes' and 'judging clothes'
5.. You don't wear a dress, you wear a frock
6.. You don't wear sneakers, you wear 'boogas'
7.. You refer to fancy shoes as 'boot' (as in "fetch di boot nuh missis!")
8.. You ever had cold patties and hot drinks for lunch
9.. You refer to all soft drink beverages as 'drinks'
10.. You stir the ice in your drinks to make it colder
11.. You take the ice in your mouth and spit it back into the glass while drinking
12.. You eat the ice loudly when your 'drinks' is finished
13.. You refer to vegetables, yams, green bananas, etc as 'hard food'
14.. You refer to poultry, beef, mutton, pork as 'meat kind'
15.. You strip sugar cane with your teeth
16.. You challenge someone with 'say feh!'
17.. You refer to any traveling distance as "jus' roun' di corner!"
18.. You have a lamp with a 'home sweet home lampshade' somewhere in the house
19.. You never throw any leftover food out, no matter how small the portion
20.. You pronounce the name 'smith' as 'simit'
21.. You derive your words of wisdom from 'miss lou'
22.. You use words twice for emphasis (fool-fool, pyah-pyah, fenke- fenke,so-so, big-big)
23.. You refer! to saturday as 'satday day time'
24.. You refer to the Lord's day as 'big-big sunday mawnin'
25.. You have ever told a 'horse-dead-cow-fat story'
26.. You instigate a fight by saying 'touch a button!'
27.. You clean the house and have soup for dinner every 'satday day time'
28.. You cannot enjoy sunday dinner without rice & peas
29.. You differentiate between 'spinners' and 'cartwheel dumplings'
30.. You refer to both male and female as 'him'
31.. You call all cute female children 'pretty likkle girl chile!'
32.. You call all rude female children 'facety likkle gal pickney!'
33.. You refer to all stubborn children as 'hard ears pickney!'
34.. You refer to anything of a sexual nature as 'slackness'
35.. You don't go to see a movie, you go to a 'show' or a 'flim show'
36.. You don't develop photographs, you 'clean' them
37.. You refer to any compulsory act by saying 'had was to' (mi had was to go to di doctor)
38.. You have a BOAC bag somewhere in the house
39.. You go to the bathroom to TIDY.
40.. You can't get your "h's" in the right places.
41.. You carry Carib Carbolic soap to the beach.
42.. Your suitcase stinks of the combination of roast breadfruit, ackee, fish and white rum.
43.. You have yellow tint, shag carpeting, 2 crown air fresheners, 2 Lion Kings, 2 nodding dogs and a Garfield in the back of your Lexus.
44.. You eat too much and then you feel Clyded.
45.. Somebody asks you the time and you tap your watch and listen to it to make sure it's working (even if it's digital).
46.. Your family's living room set is still upholstered - after 20+
years.
47.. You're male and your name ends in roy (Glenroy, Leroy, Fitzroy, Ezroy,Delroy, Troy, Gil! roy) or ton (Linton, Clinton, Ralston, Welton, Everton, Barrington)
48.. You're a girl and your 'pet name' is Petal, Cutie, Rose or Lily
49.. Your nickname is Bunny, Reds, Junior or Frenchie
50.. Your name is Oliver, Clement or Oswald and everyone calls you
Tony.
51.. You drive a Legend, a Cressida, a BMW 2002 or any old Beemer, Maxima,Camry (pre 1994), Accord or Nissan Sentra.
52.. You use knife and fork simultaneously.
53.. Your parents don't understand school terms like "grade" or GPA"
54.. Your father asks how old you are.
55.. You meet your half brothers/sisters for the first time in your teens.
56.. You have Dettol, Milo, or Horlicks in your cupboard.
57.. You know what foofa means... i.e. foofa dat.
BONUS
Real Jamaican men:
a.. Carry face towels in their back pockets.
b.. Can stand with arms akimbo and still look cool!
c.. Wear "Ganzi's" under shirts.
d.. Call every Chinese person "Missa or Miss Chin"
e.. Don't drive Yankee cars.
Top Ten "Stereotypical Jamaican" Male names (not in order).
If you see a black man with one of these you can have 90% confidence he's Carribean.
1. Danavan (Donovan)
2. Patch-ik (Patrick )
3. Dennis
4. Chevva (Trevor)
5. Michael (Mikey)
6. Devon
7. Desmahn (Desmond)
8. Bobby
9. Fitzraay (Fitzroy)
10. O-rayce (Horace )
Twelve Most Common Young Female Names.
You can be secure that all of you have a sister, wife, girlfriend,
or cousin with one of these names.
1. Patrice/Patricia
2. Sheron (Sharon)
3. Karen
4. Michelle
5. Daahn (Dawn)
6. Claahdine/Claahdiah (Claudine/Claudia)
7. Marie/Marcia/Marjorie
8. Carlene
9. Charmaine
10. Jackie
11. Paulette
12. Peta-Gay
Top Ten Yard Granny Names:
1. Pearl
2. Cynthia
3. Gloria
4. Merle/Merkle (Myrtle)
5. Mabel/Mavis/Madge
6. Winnifred/Winsome
7. 'Ellen (Helen)
8. Rose
9. Hegniss (Agnes )
10. Heeditt/Hettell (Edith/Ethel)
Top Five Aunty (even Moms) Names:
1. Doreen
2. Joan
3. Beaulah
4. Hivvonne (Yvonne)
5. Karrall (Carol)
_______________________________________________________________________________
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect,
they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange
a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following
questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean. What are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland.
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she is white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read, and it say:
"Polish Remover".
_______________________________________________________________________________
A Little knowledge about Jamaicans:
Mi deh yah ah tink and realize seh Jamaican peeple dem
different yuh nuh...mi love dem still... dere are some tings yuh woulda neva see
we a do, hear we ah seh or even attempt fi try! Tek fir instance ...
Yuh eva see Jamaicans a climb mountain wid flag and
claim victory when dem reach di top?
Yuh ever see we a hang out ina di miggle of di Amazon jungle?
Fi wa reason?
Yuh ever see we a jump outta plane wid one parachute
or a boast seh we going bungee jumping next Sunday?
Yuh eva see we ina sea bout we looking fi di Great
White Sharks? No sah we wi watch it pon TV
Yuh eva hear a J'can man seh, "Mi best friend a batty man, and
mi nuh shame fi seh so"?
Yuh eva hear a J'can in ah Search & Rescue pan mountain.
A mi sen dem up mountain? Dem find dem way up, dem fe
find dem way back again. Idiat dem! A nature way fe feed de weak and any hungry animal up deh!
Yuh eva see a J'can hacting pon big screen going into a haunted house and asking,
"Trevah yuh in deh?" If him foolish enuf fi go ina dere him an di duppy dem can tan in deh.
Yuh eva hear a J'can man seh, "no honey, no need to cook rice and peas wid oxtail and a
little chicken pon a Sunday. Mek we order in a pizza nuh?" Try yu best! Not pon yu life!
Yuh eva si a J'can man wearing tight pants or speedos pon the beach?
Ahhmm, err, heem, yes, ah tink dem call dem chi chi man?
Yuh eva si a jamaican come a work an tell everbaddy dem biz niz how dem neva bade
dis mawning jus brush teet and wash face....
Yuh eva si a j'can wey luv talk ova ppl food put dem face inna it an sey dat looks and smell good.
No sah! Dat wi cause a fight.
Yuh ever see Jamaican go inna di company fridge and go tek weh next person sangwige and
nyam it off?
Yuh ever hear Jamaican pickney tell dem madda fi shut up and di madda go tek seat inna kitchen,
tek out cigarette, start smoke and seh she nuh know wah fi do wid di pickney? No sah!
One bax crass him face fi sure an if dem live inna New York dem sen dem to Jamaica fi di Summer
and den di oder relatives fix dem bizniz and dem go back wid mannaz.
Yuh eva see Jamaican tek meat outta fridge and stick it inna oven widout lickle seasoning?
Yuh eva hear J'can ina di werkplace ah talk bout how much time him wife mek him sleep pon di couch?
Crazy tings dat, cause even if she shut di door she xpect him fi kick it open.
Mi neva hear a Jamaican seh dem woud rather put dem parents inna retirement home dan
mek dem live wid dem. Only dose who migrated to foreign (wi no say so at all).
Yuh eva see Jamaican ppl a cook and dem stir di pot, taste di food and put di same spoon right
back inna di pot an' nuh wash it off?
Yuh eva see Jamaican have dem dog a lick dem face? Yu mad?
Yuh eva see yardie ppl have dem dog sleep ina di same bed wid dem?
Or dawg ina di couch and when dawg get up dem go lay down inna di same couch ina di same spat?
Yuh eva see yardie ppl kiss dem dawg pon di mout? Yuh eva hear seh yardie ppl tek 5 days
off from work because dem cat dead?
Yuh eva hear J'can madda ina store a tell dem pickney "no sweetheart, you can't have that, please
put it back on the shelf" Yuh a hear someting like dis. "lissen yah pickney, mi nah walk a street an'
pick up money. Put dung di blasted sweetie dem an' no badda mi peace tiday!"?
Yuh eva see J'can do wuk afta dem get pay pon Friday? All di managers dem a play domino
round a back, not to mention ludo and draft.
Wait unu mout jine church? Is ow unu a tek de summah time? livvin easy dung dey so?
Me a buss me claat dung yah so, me a go "teech" nex term at CARIMAC! See dey now:
De higha de monkey climb, de more 'im expose im batty!
Riggle me dis riggle me dat. Guess me dis riggle, or peraps
not:
Buay go fe docta, docta come before buay!
Tek time, yah.
_______________________________________________________________________________
WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN AT
THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS
.
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at < /B>7:00 PM.
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM
Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Threenights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses,
diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Subject: Red Stripe Beer
The sales rep from the Corona Beer Company in Mexico sits at a bar in
Toronto and says to the bartender "Senor, I would like the world's best
beer, Corona."
The Budweiser rep who was also at the same beer convention in the city
sits on the stool beside the Corona rep and says "I would like a bottle
of the best beer in the world, King of beers, a Budweiser please."
So next, in walked the Coors rep who shouted "I would like the world's
best beer made with Rocky Mountain Spring water, barkeep, give me a
Coors beer please."
While everyone was sipping on their drinks, in walks the rep from
Jamaica's Red Stripe breweries and orders a "Sprite" soft drink. The
barkeep asks "How come you aren't having a Red Stripe?" The Jamaican
replies, "Chuh, if dem man ya nah drink no beer, mi naah badda neidah!!!"
_______________________________________________________________________________
While visiting England, P J Patterson is invited over to tea with the
Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it
is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if
they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me
to demonstrate." She phones Tony Blair, puts him on speakerphone, and
says, "Mr Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a
child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother
or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds," It is I, your Highness." "Correct. Thank you and
good-bye, Prime Minister," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did
you get that, Mr. Patterson?" "Yes, Your Highness! Thanks a lot. I'll
definitely be using that!"
Upon returning to Jamaica, he decides he'd better put the Minister of
National Security and Justice to the test. He summons KD Knight to
Jamaica House and says, "KD! I wonder if you can answer a question for
me." Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?" Lemme see now....uhh,
your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is
not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
KD Knight hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get
back to you?" P.J. agrees, and KD leaves. KD immediately calls a meeting
of other senior ministry officials and high ranking officers in the
Police Force. They puzzle over the question for several hours but nobody
can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, KD calls Renato
Adams and explains his problem...." Renato....put down yuh M-16 fi just
one second.....your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and
this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Renato
adjusts his bullet-proof vest and answers immediately, "It's me, of
course, you fool."
Much relieved KD Knight rushes back to Jamaica House and exclaims, "I
know the answer, sir! I know who it is...It's Renato Adams!!!!" P.J.
replies in disgust, "Wrong, you idiot, it's Tony Blair!"
_______________________________________________________________________________
A lawyer and a Jamaican man happen to be sitting next to each
other on a long flight from L.A. to New York. The lawyer leans
over to him and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The
Jamaican is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely
declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a
lot of fun. He explains how the game works . "I ask you a question,
and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa."
Again, the Jamaican politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a Jamaican he will
easily win the match, so he makes another offer. "Okay, how about this
If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer,
I will pay you $500."
This catches the Jamaican's attention and, figuring that there
will be no end to this torment unless he plays, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The Jamaican doesn't say a word, reaches in to his wallet, pulls
out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the Jamaican's turn. He asks the lawyer . . "What goes
up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his
laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the
Air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and even the
Library of Congress.
Frustrated he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he
knows.
All to no avail. After over an hour of searching for the answer he
finally gives up.
He wakes the Jamaican and hands him $500. The Jamaican
politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who cannot imagine what the answer is, and is going
nuts trying to figure it out, is more than a little frustrated! He
wakes the Jamaican and asks . "Well, so what goes up a hill with
three legs and comes down with four?"
The Jamaican reaches into his wallet, hands the lawyer $5, and
goes back to sleep.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Young Jamaican father-to-be awakened the village doctor in the
middle of the night saying
"Docta! Docta! Come fas! A mi wife sah! Ar water bruk an shi bout fi
av di pikni!"
The doctor came over and told the father "Hold up di lamp higher.
Hold di lamp higher nuh!"
The father obliged, and behold, a baby's cry was soon heard. The
father cried out: "Praise di Laad! A wan boy! Me a de proud faada a
wan baby boy!"
The doctor again told the father, "Hold up di lamp higher. Hold di
lamp higher nuh man!". The father again complied, and to be sure,
another cry was heard. The father excitedly proclaimed:
"A wan twin!! Mi get twin baby! Me doubly bless! Glory to Gad!"
The doctor instructed, "Hold up di lamp higher. Hold di lamp higher
nuh!"
Sure enough, a THIRD cry was heard! The father, somewhat subdued, in
a nervous tone, muttered,
"Oh Tank Jesus." The doctor repeated, "Hold up di lamp higher. Hold
di lamp higher nuh man!",
and a short while yet a FOURTH cry was heard.
The father said nothing, being lost in deep thought. The doctor for a
fifth time commanded
"Hold up di lamp higher man. Hold di lamp higher nuh!"
The father then asked; "Doc, yuh tink maybe a di light a attrac dem?"
_______________________________________________________________________________
AIR JAMAICA
You Know You Are Flying Air Jamaica When................................
a. You get to the airport before the ticket counter staff..
b. Everybody is checking in suitcases the size of a refrigerator.
c. The person beside you taps you on your shoulder and says "beg yu
check een dis ya piece ah luggage fah mi nuh .DO!"
d. Everybody makes a bolt for the gate when the announcer on the p.a.
system says " this is NOT a boarding announcement."
e. You can't get on board because somebody in front of you is trying
to get a Toyota engine block into the overhead compartment
F At least one passenger is accompanied by an armed Federal Agent
g. You can only get the Observer to read.
h. Everybody is trying to figure out what "Port of Embarkation" means.
i. The passenger next to you slowly leans away from you while raising
one leg and mutters "Yes bwoy, DAT is gas!"
j. Somebody hands a flight attendant a paper bag and asks her to "heat
up dis ya patty fi mi nuh baby"
k. The plane starts to descend, a woman in the seat behind you says to
her friend... "Come Darris, time fi go tile-it an' tidy!"
l. The overhead compartment smells like fish and rum then it starts to
drip on you.
m. Most of the passengers clap and clap when de pile-at lan de plane
genkle
n. Every body who have a big screen TV, a boom-box and a
microwave go straight to the "Nothing to Declare" line
THEY NEVER GET DELAYED FOR SNOW IN MOBAY OR KINGSTON
_______________________________________________________________________________
A man from Kingston moved to the country and bought a donkey from an
old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but me have some
Bad news...the donkey dead."
"Wha'? Well den, just gi me back mi money."
"Can't do that. Mi spen dat already."
"OK, then. Just leave the donkey with me."
"What you a go do wid him?"
"Me a go raffle dat."
"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
"Yeah man, watch me. Mi just nah tell nobody seh 'im dead."
A month later the farmer met up with the Kingston man and asked, "What
happen wid dat dead donkey?"
"Dat get raffle off boss. Mi sell 500 ticket fi $2 apiece and mek a
profit of $998."
"Suh nobaddy nuh cuss?" "Ongle di man whey win. So me gi im back im $2"
_______________________________________________________________________________
Thanks to the reader who sent this in.
The air ja jazz and blues festival was this past weekend and richie stevens invited
bounti killa to perform with him as a guest artiste....well i saw an interview that cvm
did with both of them where bounti confirmed how happy he was to be
performing in "galtego bay"...the interviewer (like me) didnt understand
what he was talking about at first and asked him to clarify...so bounti
explained that since he does not believe in "de man and man ting" ....i am
only paraphrasing, this is not a quote:-) .....he preferred to say
'galtego bay" instead of "mantego bay" !!!!!!..... i can understand when rastas
convert "appreci hate" into "appreci love " given the on again off again
problem with the letter "h".....but galtego bay???...
__________________________________________________________
Ever wonder what it would be like if Jamaican buses were set up like
airlines, with the filight attendant and captain giving safety
instruction?
Bus driver speaking on the intercom: Welcome to Bus numba 40
running from Papine to Down Town Kingston. Please direct yuh attention
to di ConDucta who will instruc' yuh on our safety and model features.
ConDucta: Hail up massive! We want yuh fi know dat yuh a ride pon
di safes' bus dat run pon di Papine to Downtown route. The moggle of
our bus is a 1980 Encava, own and operate by Rough Rider transports.
dis bus get nuff lick up an'bad man shot it up nuff time ain' it still a
drive like new!
This bus seat up to 55 passenger, howeva, due to fi we commitment to
excellent services, we no leave anybady straddling ina di streets. So
expect to 'ave up to 140 people in yah by di time we reach downtown.
Durin' di journey we may encounta unexpected trubulences.....
dese are known as pot holes. In di case of a sudden bump please refrain
fram bawlin' out "Lard Jeusus mi dead now!" Our driva is an experience
driva an ' will mek usure di axle an' wheel no bruck aff ina one a dem,
But in case we drap inna one an ca'an come out.
Please do not climb troo di window dem til unnu pay unnu bus
fare.... or I will shat unnu r*ss wid mi 45.
Dis bus no equip wid seat belt. Please hole on pon di rallin' when dibus
a tun di cana dem. De bus is capable of drivin' pon 2 wheels 'roun' all
canas an' bends. When di bus a tun one wicked cana pon 2 wheelie, wi
ask dat we seated passengers losin'dem balance an' falling ova pon
On exiting de bus please don' expect di bus to come to full stop.
Dis is NOT a non-stop juourney. As a matta a fact wi stop any which part
wi waan fi stop, at every yaad gate - all ina miggle road wi stop.
Howeva dis bus noh stop fi police.... in case of an unexpected police chase, the
driva will be forced to increase de bus' normal speed from 100 mph to 160 mph. Yuh
will be instructed to hole on tight an shet unnu mout.
DRIVA- PRESS OUT!
________________________________ __________________________
A young Jamaican man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the
loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Jamaica on a
vacation for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security
for the loan, so the Jamaican man hands over the keys to a brand new BMW
740i. The car i s parked on the street in front of the bank. The
Jamaican produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer
agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the
Jamaican for using a $80,000 BMW as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An
employee of the bank then drives the BMW into the bank's underground
garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Jamaican man returns, repays the $5,000 and the
interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a
little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that
you are a successful businessman. What puzzles us is, why would you
bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Jamaican replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for
two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
The bank employees watch as he pulls out of the garage, windows down and
sunroof open. The music was blasting from his car as he pulled away, "We
runthings, things no run we, everything we do, it done properly."
______________________________________________________________________________
Jamaica is:
Jamaica is "Blue Mountain Coffee and Sorrel."
"Rum and Red Stripe.Kola Champagne, Manish Water.Jerk Pork, Scotch Bonnet,
Hardough Bread. Jamaica is "FryFish & Bammy, Coco Bread & Patty. Irie, Nyabingi, Boogooyaga,
Cornmeal Dumplin, Dasheen, Yam, Coco.Pimento, Ackee & SaltFish,
Black Mango, Star Apple.Miss Lou"s "Anancey and Big Boy stories.
Jamaica is "Jackfruit, Juneplum, Nesberry, Ginep and Hogplum.Busta, Icey mint, and Paradise
plum.Tinking toe, Drops, Gizzada, and Grater cake Bun and cheese, and Sorrel
and Rum cake."GRANDMARKET NIGHT!"Doouckunu, Dip and Fall Back,
Run-down.Bulla, Totoe , Festival and SaltFish Fritters. "Peppa shrimps, blue draws,
Roast breadfruit and corned pork."
"Cool runnings, cease and settle, haul and pull up and nuff respect. "Reggae Boyz.
Jamaica is "Ital stew, Irish Moss, Circey Tea."Blouse and skirt !!,
Gouzum !!"J "Rhattid !!, Blough-wow !!, Geeze-u-wiz !!Boonoonoonous"
sky-juice.Wi likkle but wi tal-a-wa!" Jamaica is "Wey yu a sey,
What a gwan & How it a go dung duppy conqueror Zinc fence and gully
water.Escoviche fish, julie mango, Oxtail, tripe and beans.Icy mint an bus-mi-jaw."
"Anyting wha sweet yu gwine sour yu." kiss mi neck backJAMAICA IS EVERYTHING WE ARE
AND MUCH MUCH MORE...JAMAICA LAND WE LOVE!!
IF YOU LOOK AT THIS LIST AND YOUR HEART SMILES...YOU'RE DEFNIITELY JAMAICAN
_______________________________________________________________________________
As You Slide Down The Banister Of Life, Remember.........
The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed
was turn signal fluid."
My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper.
I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will.
He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."
As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way
_______________________________________________________________________________
Only A Jamaican....
There were three men from the Caribbean living together in London; a Trinidadian, a Barbadian and a Jamaican
who were all starving because they didn't have money to buy food. However, upon coming close to a posh restaurant
they came up with a plan.
The Trinidadian went in first. After being seated he ordered a three course meal with white wine. When he had finished
the meal the waiter came by with the cheque.
"But I paid you!" the Trinidadian shouted.
The waiter was very confused as he could not remember being paid, but as he did not want to cause any trouble...
he let the Trini leave.
Five minutes later the Barbadian walked into the restaurant and ordered a five course meal with red wine. When he
was finished eating, the waiter came by to collect the money for food.
"But I paid you!" The Barbadian shouted.
This time the manager came and had to calm down the Bajan, and as he did not want anything to upset the other
customers he let the Bajan go.
Ten minutes later the Jamaican walked in, sat down, lit a cigarette, and ordered the most expensive meal on the
menu plus two Red Stripe beers. After he had finished, the waiter came to collect the money for the meal and
before asking for it, the waiter said, "Sir... I have been having a sort of problem all day and I can't understand it.
Other people like you came in earlier and ate and they said that they paid me but I don't remember getting any
money from them, so........
Before he could finish, the Jamaican chimed in loudly "Hear mi nuh boss, that ah fi yu problem...jus gimme mi change!"
_____________________________________________ _________________________________
An Israeli doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced
that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another,
and have him looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor says "That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one
person, put it in another, and have him looking
for work in four weeks."
A Russian doctor says "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can
take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both
looking for work in two weeks."
The Jamaican doctor, not to be outdone, says,
"You guys are way behind.
We took a man with no brain out of Clarendon, put him in charge of the
Ministry of Finance and now half the country is looking for work."
______________________________________________________________________________
They're Back! Church Bulletin Bloopers: Thank God for church ladies with
typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were
announced in church services:
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at
* * * * * * * * * *
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
* * * * * * * * *
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
* * * * * * * * *
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
* * * * * * * * *
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
* * * * * * * * *
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
conflict.
* * * * * * * * *
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much
* * * * * * * * *
Don't let worry kill you off......let the Church help.
* * * * * * * * *
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.
* * * * * * * * *
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs
* * * * * * * * *
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help they can get.
* * * * * * * * *
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping. She has requested
tapes
of Pastor Jack's sermons.
* * * * * * * * *
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
* * * * * * * * *
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church
and so ends a friendship that began in their school days.
* * * * * * * * *
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
* * * * * * * * *
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
* * * * * * * * *
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
* * * * * * * * * *
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person
you want remembered.
* * * * * * * * *
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
* * * * * * * * * *
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment &
gracious hostility.
* * * * * * * * *
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
* * * * * * * * *
The ladies of the Church have cast-off clothing of every kind. They may
be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
* * * * * * * * *
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
* * * * * * * * *
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies
are invited to lunch in the fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
* * * * * * * * *
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
* * * * * * * * *
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the
back door.
* * * * * * * * *
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM The congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.
* * * * * * * * *
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
_________________________________________________________________________________________
Why, Why, Why
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee for "insufficient fund s" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you
say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat
will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner,
then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum um one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes
for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say,
"That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always
manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about
the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some
sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
_______________________________________________________________________________
BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING IN KINGSTON
1. Turn signals will give away your next
move. A real Kingston driver never uses them.
2. Under no circumstance should you leave a
safe distance between you and the car in
front of you, or the space will be filled in
by somebody else, putting you in an even more
dangerous situation.
3. The faster you drive through a red light,
the smaller the chance you have of getting
hit.
4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a
stop sign. No one expects it and it will
result in you being rear-ended.
5. Never get in the way of an older car that
needs extensive bodywork. The other guy
doesn't have anything to lose.
6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as
possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in,
giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the
brake pedal pulsates. For those of you
without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your
legs.
7. Never pass on the right when you can pass
on the left. It's a good way to scare people
for a laugh.
8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given
only as a suggestion and
are apparently not enforceable in Kingston.
9. Always slow down and rubberneck when you
see an accident or even someone changing a
tire.
10. Learn to swerve abruptly. Kingston is the
home of the high-speed 'dally' , thanks to
the KSAC, which puts pot-holes in key
locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep
them on their toes.
11. It is traditional in Kingston to honk
your horn at cars that don't move the instant
the light turns green
_______________________________________________________________________________
A Canadian Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the Guyanese
driver that because he was wearing his seat belt he had just won $5,000 in
the Province safety competition.
"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman. "Well, I
goin get a driver's license," he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled the Trini woman in the passenger's
seat...
"He's a smart ass when he drunk."
This woke up the Bajan guy in the back seat, who took one look at the cop
and moaned, "I knew we was not gonna get far in dis thiefin car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a Jamaican voice
said, in patois, "Yow!, I man mek it 'crass di barder yet?"
The Canadian Highway Patrolman smiled, and handed the $5,000 check to the
driver. "I always loved the island talk, but I could never understand it.
Have a nice day."
________________________________________________________________________________
PJ and the Donkey
A city boy, PJ, moved to the country and bought a
donkey from a old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver
the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some
bad news, the donkey died."
PJ replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it
already."
PJ said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
PJ, "I'm going to raffle him off."
Farmer, " You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
PJ, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell
anybody he is dead."
A month later the farmer met up with PJ and asked,
"What happened with
that dead donkey?"
PJ, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two
dollars a piece and
made a profit of $998.00."
Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"
PJ, " Just the guy who won ...... so I gave him his
two dollars back."
PJ grew up and eventually became
the Prime Minister of Jamaica.!!!
_______________________________________________________________________________
An Atheist was taking a walk through the woods.
What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers!
"What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the
bushes
behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charging
towards
him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his
shoulder and
saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his
shoulder again,
and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He
rolled
over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him,
reaching for
him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike
him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out:
"Oh my God!..."
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky:
"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't
exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do
you expect
me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a
believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be
hypocritical of me
to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps
could you
make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the
bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and
bowed
his head and spoke:
Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty
through
Christ our Lord, Amen.
_______________________________________________________________________________
A Jamaican Love Poem
You're the ackee in my saltfish
Condensed milk in my tea
The patty in my coco bread
Without you there is no me.
Just like coconut water
You're good for my heart
And Mr.Wray without his nephew
Is like when we are apart.
When you wrap your arms around me
Like banana leaf on blue draaws
There is nothing I wouldn't do for you
You know that im all yours.
I want to be with you always
Like when tin milk get short
An dem marry it with it to de mackerel
to make sure de mackerel get bought.
Like carrot juice on Sunday
Mango in the summertime
I cant get enough of you
Please tell me you will be mine.
***********************
A Rastaman
A Rastaman went to visit an old family friend. The Rastaman
knock pon di door and smaddy inside seh: " a who dat?"
The rastaman said: " It is I and I, Jah Rastafari, Kings of kings, Lord of
lords, conquering lion of the tribe of Judah, son of Haile Selassie I".
The person inside replied: " A me one dey yah and mi nah open mi
door fi so much a oonu".
****************************
Mix Up!
Lecturer: Use the words: 'defence','defeat' and 'detail' to make a complete
sentence.
BA Student: Di dawg jump over de fence and de feet went before de tail.
*****************************
Subject: TEN THINGS YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A JAMAICAN MAN SAY!
1."No wifey, tek my car instead."
2."Waiter, this steak is overcooked."
3."She 'ave a nice body........but 'ar bottom too big."
4."Wha'apen Mr.Deejay, you cyaah p lay some calypso?"
5."Di pill doan gree wid mi wife so ah gweh get a vasectomy."
6."No sweetie, ah cyaah tek anodda whites(rum), mi haffi drive all de way
to Kingston and it dark and wet outside."
7."Nuff Respect to Brian Lara."
*******************************
ONLY IN JAMAICA.
citizens have to protect police from gunman.
you will have police cars parked at rum bars.
girls fat up themselves with fowl pill and bleach out them skin with
toothpaste.
country people a carry water and wood pon dem head and cell phone pon dem
waist.
the more mess politician mek is the more pay dem get.
you have bicycle-by shootings.
police go to arrest tief and don't have a handcuff.
What is the greatest tourist attraction: RENT A DREAD!
traffic is so bad dat you reach work quicker walking than driving.
firefighter reach di fire scene and have no water to out the fire.
You know you are in Jamaica when you have a pothole so big when you drop
in you caan come out.
Nowhere else in the world could you go and find such peace and
JAMAICA, JAMAICA, JAMAICA LAND WE LOVE
_______________________________________________________________________________
A "dread" was living in rural Jamaica in a community that had no electricity supply. One evening he was reading his Bible (Macabee version) and meditating, assisted by lighting from a bedside lamp (Home Sweet Home), but
was bothered by the constant nuisance of some mosquitoes.
He could bear it no longer so he decided to cover up under his sheet in bed, but it was useless as the mosquitoes kept biting him on his ears through the sheet. He got up and blew out the lamp and went back under the sheets, hoping that the mosquitoes would not be able to bother him if they could not see him.
The Mosquitoes did not bite him for a few minutes giving the "dread" hope that his so-called plan had worked out perfectly. He was only hearing the constant "humming' of them flying around in the room. It was getting real hot under the sheets, so the "dread" decided that he would take off the sheet as it was too dark for the mosquitoes to see him now. When he removed the sheets, lay on his back and looked up in the ceiling, he saw a 'peenie wallie' (Firefly) flying around.
The "dread" shouted out "YOW!! DEM CUM BACK WID FLASHLIGHT FI I AND I
_______________________________________________________________________________
Joe grew up in Jamaica, then moved away to attend college and law school.
He decided to come back to Jamaica because he felt he could be a Big Shot at home.
He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened his new law office in New Kingston.
The first day, he saw a man coming up the passageway. He decided to make a big impression on this
new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door Joe picked up the phone.
He motioned the man in, all the while talking.
"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for
less than one million. Yes, the Appeals Court has
agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other
members of my team will provide support. Okay, tell the DA that I'll meet with him next
week to discuss the details." The "conversation" went on for almost five minutes.
All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions.
Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man,
"I'm sorry for the delay but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"
The man replied, "I'm from Cable & Wireless, the telephone company,
I came to hook up your phone."
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