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JOKES PAGE 1
There were Five country churches in a small TEXAS town:
The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church , the Methodist Church , the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue.
Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels.
After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will..
In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the
baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week
The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels
and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
But -- The Catholic CHURCH came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.
Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter
Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.
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Keep going....
For all who appreciate the outdoors . . . the rarely photographed South Florida Squirrel.
f 'con' is the opposite of 'pro', is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
made with real lemons?
Why the man who invests all of your money is called a broker?
Only in America ... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process
so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'
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A man called a popular Belize radio talk show and said to the
moderator:
"Sah, mi caan understand how people love do di same t'ing ova an' ova."
"Could you explain that sir?" asked the radio host.
"Well sah, every day dem a send man go a moon.
Why dem caan send smaddy go a sun?"
"Well sir, we can feel how hot the sun is here although it is 93 million miles away.
Can you imagine how hot it is THERE? The spacecraft wouldn't even get close.
It would burn up long before it got near the sun." Radio host laughed condescendingly.
But the caller was undaunted. He replied:"Den a no easy ting dat fi solve, sah!
Jus sen di spaceship inna de night!!"
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WHAT A COUNTRY !
SIGN IN A STORE WINDOW
"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1,000 AL-QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE JAMAICAN"
This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Kingston. You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.
One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country would be marching on this business... and that the Police might have to be called to keep the angry crowds
back. But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors simply make their statement... We are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as
perhaps our greatest liberty.
And after all, it is just a sign.
You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?
Answer:
A Funeral Home
(Who said morticians had no sense of humor?)
You gotta love Jamaicans !!!
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A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:"Dear Lord:
I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at
home. I want her to know what I go through.
So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.
Amen!"
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
Awakened the kids,
Set out their school clothes,
Fed them breakfast,
Packed their lunches,
Drove them to school,
Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
Took it to the cleaners
And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
Went grocery shopping,
Then drove home to put away the groceries,
Paid the bills and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then, it was already 1.00pm
And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum,
Dust,
And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them
on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their
homework.
Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30pm he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad,
breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper,
He cleaned the kitchen,
Ran the dishwasher,
Folded laundry,
Bathed the kids,
And put them to bed.
At 9.00pm
He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went
to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get
through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -
"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.
Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.
Amen!"
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have
learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way
they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got
pregnant last night."
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Out of Many One People, We Are A Race Apart
Foreigners are often startled when they hear me talk. The
unmistakable lilt brands me as Jamaican, but my appearance does not fit
their racial profile.
"Where are you from?" is nearly always followed by, "You don't look Jamaican."
So what does a Jamaican look like?
True, most Jamaicans have dark brown complexions, a combination of
a West African heritage and the island's sunny climate. That brings us to
one myth: people with dark skins tan, just like people with lighter
pigmentation. You should see how much paler some of my friends became
after living in Toronto for a while.
Historians tell us many Jamaicans are from such tribes as the
Ashanti, the proudest and fiercest of West African warriors. It stands to
reason that prisoners of war would make up a large part of the captives
shipped in chains to work on Jamaican sugar plantations. It was customary
for prisoners captured during battle to be enslaved. The Egyptians did it
to the Jews, the Romans did it to other people all over Europe, and
somewhere in the world someone is probably practicing the same heinous
form of human exploitation right now. We just don't hear about it.
Many owners of Jamaica's estates were not Jamaican but British -
absentee landlords. They spent part of the year on the island, but their
homes and hearts were back in England or Scotland. In the days of the
tall ships, a journey across the Atlantic would take months, and a land
owner would be reluctant to spend all that time getting to Jamaica only
to turn around and sail right back. They would spend months in Jamaica
before heading home. Men being what they are (most of us, anyway); some
of these landowners would establish second families in Jamaica. Their
mates were invariably slaves.
To protect their children from being sold into slavery, they would
declare them legally "white" - hence the expression "white-by-law."
Landowners could count on their offspring to protect their interests in
Jamaica while they were back in Britain.
That would account for at least some of today's "Jamaican white"
islanders. Others, of course, are descended from colonial civil servants
who came to Jamaica and founded families there. A few came from America
and other countries as clergymen, missionaries or businessmen - or for
some other reason.
A significant part of Jamaica's heritage is Jewish. Sephardic Jews
fled from Spain and Portugal to escape the Inquisition, and remained in
the island after the British drove out the Spanish in the mid-1600s. You
can see this heritage in many Jamaican surnames. One of my
great-grandmothers was a Miss Salomon, a distinctly Jewish name.
With the abolition of slavery in the 1800s, large numbers of
indentured servants came from India, with a sprinkling from Ireland and
other parts of the British Isles. Traders from China, Lebanon and Syria
(and from other countries) also migrated to Jamaica in search of business
opportunities.
It's no wonder that when Jamaica achieved independence in August
1962, our leaders chose as our motto: "Out of Many One People."
On this, the 45th anniversary of Jamaican Independence, I would
like to propose that we declare the existence of a Jamaican race. Not
black. Not white. Not Asian or Middle Eastern. But simply Jamaican.
My late mother had blonde hair and blue eyes. My cousin, Kathleen,
has tawny skin and black hair. Her father, a distinguished schoolteacher,
had chocolate-colored skin. His ancestors were from West Africa. It would
be preposterous for me to think I belong to a different race from
Kathleen or her children and grandchildren.
They are my flesh-and-blood.
Another cousin's married name is Chin. Is her daughter Chinese? Of
course not. Her daughter is an American of Jamaican descent.
Yes, Jamaican. We are a race apart.
We might look European or African, Chinese or Indian, Jewish or
Syrian, but make no mistake: we are Jamaican. We share the indomitable
pride, the intolerance of injustice, the irrepressible spirit that
distinguishes Jamaicans wherever in the world our destiny sends us.
My Jamaican brothers and sisters, whether your skin is the darkest dark or the
lightest light, whether your eyes are blue or green, brown or black,
whatever your facial or physical features might be. We know what it is to
be Jamaican. And it has nothing to do with the color of our skin.
(George Graham)
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Two elderly ladies had been friends for many
decades.
Over the years, they had shared all kinds of
activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to
meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked
at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been
friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've
thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your
name is."
Her friend glared at her.
For at least three minutes she just stared and
glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to
know?"
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SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the
freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently
warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going
the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car.
It's hundreds of them!"
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Two elderly women were out driving in a large
car - both could barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection.
The stoplight was red, but they just went on
through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to
herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a
red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another
intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through.
The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure
that the light had been red, but was really concerned that she was
losing it.
She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light
was red and they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said,
"Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a
row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I
driving?"
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Check to see how many you know, the very last two (chimmy and all) certainly, well ... nuff said.
As a Jamaican you know you are getting older if,
You had an exercise book with Queen Elizabeth and her husband on it, instead of a ring binder.
You used to listen to Redifussion.
You wore Bata crepe to school and bought Asham at the gate.
(Give yourself an extra point, if you know what Asham was made of)
You remember that the Lou and Ranny show used to come on at 7:00 PM on a Sunday ("Whey me flat boad ?")
You know what the initials T. A. D. P. stand for.
You know who Tony Verity was.
You can name more than two of the characters in a Jonkanoo band.
You know what boxing title Bunny Grant held.
You didn't buy gigs, yo yo's, kites or slingshots in a store. You made them yourself.
You know what Fanta and Nu Grape are.
You know what a Woolsley, Humber and Zephyr are.
You got a washout and worm medicine at the end of summer holidays.
Your school graduation was called "prize-giving."
You still call Norman Manley airport "Palisadoes."
You still have a BOAC bag hidden somewhere in a closet.
You remember when people used to go to the airport, and come back with a twang.
You still go to the airport just to stand on the waving gallery.
When you hear classical music on the radio you still ask: "Is who ded now?"
You still refer to any smooth stretch of road as "Barber Greene."
You still use words like "bine" and "clyde" and know the difference between both.
ANSWER KEY: If you answer yes to
less than 5 you are a babe in the woods.
5 to 10 answers, you are listening to too many of your parent's stories.
11 to 15: Getting up there, watch it!
16 to 19: You are very gray (Although you may be colouring/dyeing)
All 20 or 21: You have Limacol and Bay Rum (maybe even a bottle of Ferrol) on the nightstand, and a chimmey under your bed
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LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell
phone to report that her car has been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation
to the dispatcher:
"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel,
the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
the dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is
on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
"Disregard." He says,
"She got in the back-seat by mistake."
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FAMILY
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a
house together.
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath.
She puts her foot in and pauses.
she yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting
in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know - I'll
come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses, "Was I
going up the stairs or down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table
having tea - listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I
never get that forgetful - knock on wood."
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of
you ... as soon as I see who's at the door."
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"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were
playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I - let's
have a beer."
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Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to buy some gas and borrow a gas can. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.
Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."
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