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1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He
acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out
to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubberband pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was
a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his
work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blown apart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking
into it.
12. Atheism is a not-for-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to
the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his
grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at
large.
19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned
veteran
20. A backward poet writes inverse.
21. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your
count that votes.
22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
23. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects
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'The Obedient Wife'
There was a man, who had worked all his life, and saved all of his money,
And was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you
to take all my money and put it in the casket with me.
I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that
when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with
him. Well, he died. :-(
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there -
dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they
finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to
close the casket, the wife said,
'Wait just a moment!'
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and
put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down
and they rolled it away.
So her friend said,
'Girl, I know you were not foolish
enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'
The loyal wife replied,
'Listen, I'm a Christian;
I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put
that money into the casket with him.'
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'
'I sure did,' said the wife.
'I got it all together, put it into my account,
and wrote him a Cheque....
If he can cash it,
then he can spend it.'
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Update on Cinderella
Cinderella is now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her
rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob
for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'?
The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I
last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she
uttered her first wish:
'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond
comprehension. Instantly- her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said,
'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'
The fairy godmother replied,
'It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?'
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.
Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, 'I wish for
you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent such fundamental a change in his biological make-up
that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful ~the likes of him neither
she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said,
'Congratulations, Cinderella,
enjoy your new life.'
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
The fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man
she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held
her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned-in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...
'Bet you're sorry you had Me neutered...'
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Gentle Lessons of Life
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain.
A penny saved is obviously the result of a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to
leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have
gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a new replacement for it.
He who hesitates is probably doing the right thing.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ' XL.'
If you think there is some good in everybody, you obviously haven't met 'everybody'.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you must have someone else in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so that he can tell when he's 'really' in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting
here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs.'
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their life's odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way.
I've traveled a long, long way and some of the road s weren't paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra..
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's even worse
when you forget to pull it down.
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.
Today, it's called golf
Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...AMEN..!
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