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Send your jokes in to info@oncetime.com FOR OLD JOKES CHECK OUT OUR JOKES ARCHIVE - CLICK HERE SEPTEMBER JOKES - CLICK HERE _______________________________________________________________________________ HILARIOUS PRACTICAL JOKE AUDIO CLIP - CLICK HERE
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd Then she remembered her husband! Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed........... The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg.
He's dead!! What did you buy?' ----------------------------------------------------------------------
Interesting Human Body Facts The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm. A full bladder is roughly the size of a softball. It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb). Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples. The average man's organ is three times the length of his thumb. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died. Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair. There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet. Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch. Women blink twice as often as men. The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain. When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate...they do the same when you are Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't. Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still. If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it. The average woman is five inches shorter than the average man. You men...... Still looking at your thumb, aren't you?
------------------------ 'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How much will you 'How about $50?' The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.'You're finished 'And by the way, ' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.' __________________________________________________________________________
CHICKEN SURPRISE A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise'. The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about
'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He didn't, so she asks him to look He reaches for it and again the lid rises and he sees two little eyes looking around before Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over to tell him what is happening and demands an explanation. Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?' The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.' You're going to love this.................. You're going to hate yourself for loving this!!............. "Ah! So solly," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck!" -------------------------------------------------------
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know ------------------------------------------ One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his Shocked, the man says, "Well, maam, after you reached around and unzipped my
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At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty, please don't give
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Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, 'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs.Wong name the baby?' 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him... Are you ready for this? sum ting wong
---------------------------- With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote 'The Hokie Pokey' died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in.... And then the trouble started. Shut up. You know it's funny.
murphy’s Law of golf and other notes of wisdom. Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck. It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt . . . for a 10. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts It's not a gimme if you're still away. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time. If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at e xactly Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing One of my personal favorites: There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking Hazards attract; fairways repel. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours. If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game. Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot. A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are....that's why I get If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life. Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably ____________________________________________________________________________
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.' I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?' 'No,' I replied.'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
I used to like Eric , the little b******............. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WHAT IS MARRIAGE??? 1. Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence (a life sentence). 2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind. 3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her master's. 4. Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering. 5. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the 6. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.You order what you want, and when you see 7. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered 8. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes. 9. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. 10. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her. Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE! 11. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock. 12. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense. 13. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why. 14. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going
16. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. 17. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America, the rest cheat in Europe. 18. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They just can't face each other, but they still 19. Marriage is man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one. 20. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the "Y" becomes silent. 21. I married Miss right; I just didn't know her first name was Always. 22. It's not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer. 23. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. 24. A man was complaining to a friend: I HAD IT ALL-MONEY, A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE, THE LOVE OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, 25. WIFE: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. HUSBAND: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway lights on. 26. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another: AREN'T YOU WEARING YOUR RING ON THE WRONG FINGER? The other replied: YES, I AM. I MARRIED THE WRONG MAN. 27. Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished. 28. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss. 29. A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE WANTED. The next day he received a hundred letters and they all 30. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - either the car is new or
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Finally, little Randy's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, 'Which service, the 9:00 or the 10:45?' ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ JOHN THE BAPTIST Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed him 'playing church' with their cat. A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back to the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water. She called out, 'Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!'
Johnny looked up at her and said, 'He should have thought about that before he joined my church. ________________________________________________________________________________
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: ------------------ THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST FIVE RIDDLES I HAVE SEEN....THE ANSWERS ARE AT 1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three 2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when 4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words 5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW: 1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead. 2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, 3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing. 4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and 5. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the English -------------------------------------------------------------------------
At last, the true story . . . Some years ago President Clinton was hosting a state dinner Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard And that, my friend, is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.
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