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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in th e word 'lisp'?
What is the speed of darkness?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for 'normal' people at the Special Olympics?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Did you ever stop and wonder.....
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Obstetrician/Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on.......
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
---------------------------------------------------
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started.
=======================================================================
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150
in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started.
=====================================================================
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take
her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station...
And then the fight started....
=====================================================================
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school
reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat
alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years
ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
Oh Wow!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
============================================================
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how
sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which
one are you?'
And then the fight started...
================================================================
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the
flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such
as
* Romance 9.5 and
* Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs
such as
* NBA 5.0,
* NFL 3.0 and
* Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes
the system.
* Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these
problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate.
DEAR DESPERATE,
First, keep in mind,
* Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
* Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.HTML and try to download Tears
6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
* If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then
automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband
1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
* Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will
download the Gas and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law
1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize
control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend
5.0-program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband
1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
_________________________________________________________________________
A boy and his father from Jamaica were visiting America for the first time.
The first time they went to a mall, they were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,
silver walls that could move apart and then slideback together again.
The boy asked, 'Ah whahdat, daddy?' The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, mi nevah see nottin
like dat inna mi life!
Mi nuh know what it is!'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving
walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father
watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 19-year-old woman stepped out. The father, not taking
his eyes off the young woman, says quietly to his son,
'Bwoy... Go get yuh maddah!'
------------------------------------
You ever wonder what it would be like if Jamaican buses were set
up like airlines, with the flight attendant and captain giving safety
instructions? Wonder no further ....
Bus driver speaking on the intercom
Welcome to Bus numba 40 running from Papine to Down Town Kingston. Please direct yuh attention to di ConDucta who
will instruc' yuh on our safety and model features.
ConDucta: Hail up massive! We want yuh fi know dat yuh a ride pon di safes' bus dat run pon di Papine to Downtown route.
The moggle of our bus is a 1980 Encava, own and operate by Rough Rider Transports. Dis moggle can survive any adversities
an' cantravasies.
As unnu can si dis bus get nuff lick up an' bad man shot it up nuff time an' it still a drive like new! This bus seat up
to 55 passenger, howeva, due to fi we commitment to excellent service, we no leave anybady straddling ina di streets. So
expect to 'ave up to 140 people in yah by di time we reach downtown.
Durin' di journey we may encounta unexpected turbulences..........dees are known as pot holes. In di case of a sudden bump
please refrain fram bawlin'out 'Lard Jesus mi dead now!' Our driva is an experience driva an' will mek sure di axle an'
heel noh bruck aff ina one a dem. But in case we drap inna one an ca'an come out. Please do not climb troo di window dem
til unnu pay unnu bus fare....... or I will shat unnu rass wid mi M16.
Dis bus no equip wid seat belt. Please hole on pon di railin' when di bus a tun di carna dem. De bus is capable of drivin'
pon 2 wheels' roun' all carnas an' bends. When di bus a tun one wicked carna pon 2 wheelie, wi ask dat we seated
passengers bear it if s'maddy slide dung inna dem seat an' squash yuh gainst di bus side. We seated passengers may experience
standin' passengers losin' dem balance an' falling ova pon unnu ... please no yell out, 'ey batty bway, come arf a mi rass
lap!' Dat might cause a serious shootout!
On exiting de bus please don' expect di bus to come to a full stop. Wi askin' dat yuh hop aff a di bus an' step skillful
.... if unnu drap an 'lan' pon unnu backside an' bruck sinting, Rough Rider noh response.
Dis is NOT a non-stop journey. As a matta a fact wi stop any which part wi
waan fi stop, at every yard gate - all ina miggle road wi stop. Howeva dis bus noh stop fi police ... in case of an
unexpected police chase, the driva will be forced to increase de bus' normal speed from 100 mph to 160 mph. Yuh will be
instructed to hole on tight an shet unnu mout. In case dis bus is hijacked by a teroris' known as Pickpocket', hole di
bway an' murda 'im, to rass. Dat said, if wi reach downtown inna wan piece please prepare fi new passenger fi shoob unnu
dung before unnu can get aff. Noh mine dem ..... seat kina ration.
Tank yuh for tekin' di iriest Rough Rider Encava pon di route.... and hope you HAVE A NICE DAY
-------------------------------------------------------------
Judas Asparagus
This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes. I wonder how often we take for granted that children
understand what we are teaching???
Through the eyes of a child: The Children's Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says,
'The Lord thy God is one', but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been
invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they
were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a ham. Noah built a
large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would
have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.
Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.
Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt
and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice,
lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't
lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's' stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol
and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had
about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.
One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor
league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the Star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.
(I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?'
It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like The Pharisees and the Republicans.
Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable
after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus.
He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.
He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
-----------------------------------------------------------
With age comes wisdom.
Fred is 75 years old and loves to fish and play golf.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me
up.'
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when
he heard the voice say again,
'Pick me up.' He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a
frog.
Fred said, 'Are you talking to me?'
The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you Fred. Pick me up.
Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever
seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will
be your bride!'
Fred looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up
carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts Fred? Didn't you hear what I said? I
said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'
Fred opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'
____________________________________________________________________
Just in case you need a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane,
but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly
routinely in our jobs.
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells
mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems,
document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before
the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here
are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by pilots (marked with a P)
and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~--------------------------~
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on
something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the chicken cross the road?
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!
JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation
and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road.
This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One! that every chicken in this country gets
the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on
our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the
road.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to
cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem
on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is
help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad.
So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give
this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have
access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer
's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why
it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the other
side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all
chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the
other side.That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and
that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time,
the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of
crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important
documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken 2008. This new platform is much
more stable and will never crash or need to be rebooted.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
When I'm 100, if I lean a little let me!!
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the
activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to
communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right,
so some family members grabbed her, ;strai ghtened her up, and stuffed pillows
on her right..
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family
grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and
then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma, you're
looking good! How are they treating you?'
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the
nephew...... .. . . .
'Bastards won't let me fart.'
----------------------------
Scotch with two drops of water.
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of
water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to
celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink.
In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to
buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of
water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you
one, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two
drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says,
'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of
water?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold
your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs
and make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you
on your new alligator shoes
and you're barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy
and your pacemaker opens the garage door,
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra less
pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action'
means you don't need to take any fiber today.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car
in the parking lot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up
to use the bathroom.
AND
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure these are jokes
-------------------------------
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every
year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'
Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is
fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'.
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther,
I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get
another chance.'
To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars,
and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal.
I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the
entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one
word, it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of
fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks
over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did
everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm
impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something
when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'
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