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Divorced Barbie
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly
remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one
of those Barbie's in the display window?'
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?
We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach
Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Bar bie for
$19.95,
Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced
Barbie for $265.95'.
The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95
and the others only $19.95?'
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir...,
Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's
Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made
with Ken's balls.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
When I got home from work last night, my wife demanded
that I take her out to some place expensive...............
So I took her to a gas station!!!!!!!
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Dear Customaz:
It look like dem mek mistake an ship out couple a copies a WindowsXP YARDIE VERSION
somewhere inna Idaho. If you good ole country folks in Idaho need a translatian
fi di commaan dem, ere dem is:
When yuh open di Yardie edition yuh wi si di opening screen. It reads: 'WINDAS 98',
wit a background picture of Halfway Tree Square .
When yuh start di program yuh wi hear di bad bwoy antem: 'Murda-ra Blood deh pan
yuh shoulda' By Buju Banton'.
Please also note:
Recycle Bin is labeled 'General penitentiary'
My Computer is called 'A Fimi Own'
The Inbox is referred to as 'Barrel come'
Deleted Items are referred to as 'Gaan, Rub out, Yuh Salt'
Dial up Networking is called 'Ring mi Cellie'
Control Panel is known as the ' Babylon '
Hard Drive is referred to as 'Reema an Jungle'
Instead of an error message, 'Ediat! Yuh know weh yuh a do?' pops up.
Performin' an 'illegal operation' is known as 'Smuggling not allowed unless part
of the Govament'
CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN DA YAADIE EDITION:
OK.............Cool Noh
Cancel.........No badda yaw man
Reset..........Rewine
Yes............Irie
No.............No sah
Find...........Look fi it
Browse.........Faas
Back...........Tun roun
Help...........(this is not a feature ... Jamaicans know it all an doan need noh
help)
Stop...........Dun now
Start..........Gwan troo
Settings.......Di set up
Also note dat keyboard noh of di YARDIE EDITION no have di letter 'H.' Wi doan
use dat in wi vocabulary So dis is how yuh mus type certain 'H' words:
Help.........Elp
Horrible?....Arrible
Hart ??? ...Art
Heavy ??.....Eby
Honda??......Unda
Handkerchif..Kerchief
Holiday ......Alliday
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the
world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he
would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed
a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per
call'.
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what
the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000
you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta . There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the
same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the
same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he
could talk to God.
O.K., thank you,' said the American.
He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston and
New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '$10,000
per call' sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel up to Canada to see
if Canadians had the same phone.
He arrived in Canada, and again, in the first church he entered, there was
the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 cents
per call.'
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
'Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in
many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US
the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'
The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Canada now, son - it's a local call'.
KEEP SMILING
If you are proud to be a Canadian, keep passing this on!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bajan women ain't EASY at all??!
An elderly bajan man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of
impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite flying fish
and breadfruit wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Gripping
the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
Downstairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where
if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven,
for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of
his favorite flying fish and breadfruit.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years,
seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture.
His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the flying fish and breadfruit
was already in his mouth. With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of
the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.
' Ya making sport? Move ya'self!' she said. ' Dem is for de funeral.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,and
all the patients were shouting ,'13....13....13'
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little
gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.
Some turkey poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...
--------------------------------------------------------------
Something to think about!!
A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a
glass of water and asked, 'How heavy is this glass of water? '
Answers called out ranged from 8oz. to 20oz.
The lecturer replied, 'The absolute weight doesn't matter. It
depends on how long you try to hold it.'
'If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an
hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll
have to call an ambulance.'
'In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the
heavier it becomes.'
He continued, 'And that's the way it is with stress management. If we
carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes
increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on.'
'As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and
rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on
with the burden. '
'So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work/life down.
Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow.'
'Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if
you can. Relax; pick them up later after you've rested. Life is short.
Enjoy!'
And then he shared some ways of dealing with the burdens of life:
1* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're
the statue.
2* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to
eat them.
3* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the
middle of it.
4* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their
Maker.
5* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.
7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.
8 * Never buy a car you can't push.
9* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then
you won't have a leg to stand on.
10* Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
11* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep
late.
12 * The second mouse gets the cheese.
13* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
14* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you
live.
15* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the
world to one person.
16* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
17* We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are
pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different
colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
18* A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a
detour.
Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today !
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Room 302
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly
asked, 'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a
patient is doing?'
The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and
room number?'
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, 'Norma Findlay, Room
302.'
The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her
nurse.'
After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Good
news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood
pressure is fine. Her blood work just came back as normal and her
Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday.'
The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried!
&God bless you for the good news.'
The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your
daughter?'
The Grandmother said,
'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me sh@@t!'
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Two Jamaican bad men are walking through the country. They haven't eaten for days
and are starving. They see a tree in the distance. As they get nearer, they notice
it's draped with rashers of bacon, smoked bacon, crispy bacon, boiled bacon,
grilled bacon, all sorts of bacon.
'Look deh!', says the first badman, 'a bacon tree! and we ah dead fe hungry!
So he runs up to the tree. As he gets close, he's gunned down in a hail of bullets.
His friend shouts, 'Wha’ appen…star? Is wa dis?' The first badman replies,
'No come yah man!
Is not a bacon tree, is a ham bush!'
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist
Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a
small town and put up a sign reading:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors".
The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it
to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
This was not acceptable to the council either, so in an effort to
satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: "Catatonics and High
Colonics".
No go.
Next, they tried: "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives".
Thumbs down again.
Then came: "Minds and Behinds".
Still no good.
Another attempt resulted in: "Lost Souls and Butt Holes".
Unacceptable to the city council .. again!
So they tried: "Analysis and Anal Cysts".
Not a chance. Too graphic, said the coucil.
"Nuts and Butts?"
Definitely not.
"Freaks and Cheeks"?
Shot down again.
"Loons and Moons"?
Forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr. Smith
and Dr. Jones: Odds and Ends".
Everyone loved it.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Never Lie to a Woman?
A man called home to his wife and said, '
"Honey,I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada?with my boss & several of his
Friends.
We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion
I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out
my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house
to pick my things up.
"Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did
exactly what her husband asked.?
The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.?
The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish??
He said, 'Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't
you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to Do?"
You'll love the answer...?
The wife replied, 'I did. They're in your fishing box?... '?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
.jpg)
SNIFFER
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another
man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle
seat next to the man.
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed
on the plane.
The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and the dog is a "sniffing dog".
His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne,
when I put him to work."
The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says "Watch this.
He tells Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally
sits very purposefully next to a woman for a several seconds.
Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm. The agent says,
"Good boy", and he turns to the man and says: That woman is in possession of marijuana,
so I 'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when
we land."
"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about,
sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places
TWO paws on the agent's arm.
The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I m making a note of his seat
number for the police."
"I like it!" says his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles
for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped
into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place.
The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a
well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent,
"What's going on?"
The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
AIN'T IT THE TRUTH!!?
Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN )
for 6am.
While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA ]was perking, he shaved with his electric
razor(MADE IN HONG KONG).
He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE)
and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA)
After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA)
he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend
today.
After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in
his car (MADE IN GERMANY)
filled it with GAS (from Saudi Arabia) and continued his search for a good paying
job.
At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer
(Made In Malaysia),Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals
(MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE] and turned on
his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA),and saw ads advertising a vacation in Jamaica
and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in CANADA .
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
.jpg)
Memory Joggers from back in the day:
When 'Mother's' was one of only 5 fish & festival stalls at Hellshire
Milkshake at Dairy Farmers
Banana Split at Oxford Pharmacy
Monty's Drive Inn
Kelly's soft drinks
Riding a Honda to Cable Hut to hear Mystic Revalation of Rastafari
Bob singing a one song at Dizzy
Getting lost in the Maze at Hope Gardens
Empty lots in Harbour View
4 lines bumper to bumper into Harbour View Drive In
Thursday Nights drag racing in front of Ephiphany
(when Barry Lee was the Manager)
When you were leaving on a flight from Palisadoes to go to Miami for 1 week
and the whole family would turn out to wave from the TA TA gallery?
Chukka Mo ... ice cream bar
Shrimpy man on his big head 50 .... selling more than just shrimp!
Runna ... he used to run naked up wellington drive towards mona dam.
Drag racing in new kingston & red hills gully
when your phone had a party line
5 digit phone numbers
The Emotions
1) Lime night at Mona Church youth group
2) “Blues” Dance at University Union and Stand Pipe when every one was
defending Rasta and dressing with Dreads, “Speng” pants, tam and a rag
3) Long walks home with friends after crashing a party in Hope Pastures,
Barbican and graham heights.
4) “Stepping” and doing the Hustle at parties and night clubs to show off.
Monty's Drive-In after Harbor View movies.
1. Radcliffe Butler on RJR with 'The Butler Did It', 'Midnight Mood'.
2. Dorothy La Croix (Dottie Dean).
3. Lannaman's Lollipop Land for Children with Dorothy Hosang.
4. Half Pint, Pint Bottle - pronounced (Hep pint, pint bakkle) by the
man on his donkey cart.
5. The Rasta man selling 'cobweb' brooms on Sundays with his
'Brooman' shout.
6. Roy Reid - 'Reid at Random'.
7. Reverend V. B.
8. 'Turn Table Time' with E.T.
9. Bath Botanical Gardens in St. Thomas.
10. Sharkey's.
11. Gino's Fast (Fart) Food.
12. Theophany.
13. Dizzy.
14. Topsies.
15. Tropics.
16. Epiphany, when it was run by Evon Williams.
17. Tuck Shops!
18. Jamaica Omnibus Service.
19. Bruce's patties.
20. Palisadoes airport.
21. When you could actually swim at Gunboat beach.
22. When Havendale was the place to live.
23. When JBC Radio 2 played commercial free music.
24. Wayne Chin - 'Win Chin say man who ride and dilly dally, end up on
hospital trolly'. 'Win Chin say, man who go to bed with stiff problem,
wake up with sticky solution'. The THree "T"'s ar RJR the youngest staff
Chris Harris, Wayne Chin and Raymond Marshall
25. When you could walk yards out into the crystal clear waters at
Hellshire.
26. Boulevard Drive Inn (now JPS).
27. Burgerman on Trafalgar Road (I believe it is now called Veranda).
28. Brooks Shoppers Fair on Washington Boulevard.
29. Ford Anglia motorcars.
30. Morris Minors with the indicators that flipped out.
31. Aerated water (Soda Pop).
32. Nu Grape.
33. Times Stores.
34. When Air Jamaica had stewardess with looks and manners.
35. Standing on your roof and listening for the direction the music
was coming from to crash the party.
36. Sister Maureen Clare at Immaculate with her ruler for separation
at the fetes.
37. Exodus/ Genesis
38. WHere It's AT (Not)
39 Port Royal tower by the police station.
40. Cable Hut beach
41. Matilda's Corner barber (where the Texaco gas station is now)
42. The milkman and the breadman delivering in the cart then van
43. Booby eggs (and cussing someone as a 'boobyegger' - only found out
recently that this was because it was said that only the really lo IQ/
no work option people went to hunt booby eggs - don't know if this is true!!)
44. When 22 and 67 were the new bus routes
45. Teenage hikes to New Castle (AND Hardwar Gap)
46. The chukkie (speng length, drewters etc) vs soul boy (bellbottoms,
platforms etc) identity/fashion clash
47. Incrowd (Peter Phillips) - never did understand why they played
'Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep'!!
48. Taking the train to MoBay
49. 'Late night at the Party' anthems: Carolina, Satta ..., Reasons,
and others?....
------------------
50. Red Red Wine.
51. When you got to a party, not knowing how you were getting home at 3 or 4
in the morning.
52. Going home from the party with 10-12 people in the same car OR walking home.
53. Idle-nights (Thursday nights).
54. Not knowing what a gun-shot sounded like (not even knowing they existed?).
55. Fanta.
56. JC boys descending on St. Andrew High school 'events', and Ms. Reader going
berserk!
57. Jonkanoos who actually came to your house at Independence.
58. Independence.
59. TV just coming in -- black & white of course!
60. Bike-back (don't forget the lean).
61. When there were only five (5) digits to a telephone number (landline of
course).
62. The huge black telephones with round dials that moved as you dialled the
number.
63. Bonanza and the Cartwrights.
64. Paul Anka singing "Having My Baby" and my grandmother trying to break my 45
as that was "a disgrace of a thing to sing about!"
65. Geezum peezum was the best way to cuss and be excited at the same time and
not get licks for saying it
66. Riding your bicycle from Paddington Terrace to Sandhurst was normal and safe
for girls or anyone
67. Riding the 67 JOS bus from Wolmer's to Barbican with all your "best friends"
Crystal Blue Persuasion
51. Rent-a-tile
52. Being stuck for 13 minutes and 42 seconds with the wrong guy when the put
on Isaac Hayes' 'I stand accused'
53. Silver Slipper Shopping Center
54. Nutty Buddy
55. Carib, Regal and Premier Cinemas
56. 'Bumming' a ride
57. The 'Waving Gallery' at Palisadoes Airport
58. The days people used to dress up in their Sunday best to go a farin.
Portable record players - 45s and LPs
51. Swimming at cable Hut beach then going to Cane River to wash off.
52. Swimming at the far beach pass Helshire and the twin caves above
Helshire.
51. Hanging out at Doctor's Cave beach in the Summer.
52. Hanging out at Silver Sliper Plaza after school.
53. saturday afternoon movies at the movie theatre on constant spring road, a muss!!
54. San Diego shopping bus parked on constant spring road with de black 'merican guy,
listiening to Santana and burning incense...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
. hiding people in the back seat of the car to get in cheaper at the Harbour View Drive-In
Mr Mac gas station at the bottom of old hope rd with the foul mout parrot.
on Radio, Charlie Babcock, CB, the cool fool, the man about town.
- Remember when he called Mista Chin, who told him
'Yu nuh cool fool, yu damn fool, call man at 5 oclock in the mawning'
51. going to Harbour View drive in just for the food and the 'lime'
52. Girls champs and Boys Champs (they were separate then) - nuff cheering in Grandstand
53. The long circuitous route home after Mona youth club (Friday nights)
54. If the rocks at Mona Central Park could talk!!!
55. Finishing the dress just 15 minutes before being picked up to go to the party ('spot')
56. Hot pants and platform shoes
57. Getting the latest 45 or LP from Derrick Harriot's or Record Plaza
58. knowing the words to all the Delfonics hits
59. The Jackson 5 were HOT!!!
60. the perfectly shaped afro
61. Will the 'right' person be dancing with you when Isaac Hayes comes on???
62. Billy Dee Williams in Lady SIngs the Blues...or anything, for that matter......
sorry...Denzel has now taken over!
63. Everything MOWTOWN......Diana, Supremes, Smokey, Four Tops, Temptations,
STEVIE WONDER,
Marvin etc....it doen's get any better!!
watching your sisters and their friends practise being Diana
Ross and the Supremes, and your brother grow his 'soul'...
Where it's at, .....
**Elaine Wint ...what was her show?
**Austustus Pablo
York Pharmacy/Oxford pharmacy for ice cream sodas and hot dogs
Turn table when they 'fly' the gate at 2pm. and you get in and step to
Nina Simone's 'My Baby Don't Care.
Manor Park pharmacy with the soda foundain (like in Happy Days).
There was also one in Lane Plaza (can’t remember what it’s called now)
The “walker” on Hope Road with the bruk foot and stick
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Lesson 1:
> A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
> shower, when the doorbell rings.
>
> The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
>
> When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
>
> Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that
> towel.'
>
> After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
> in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
>
> The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
>
> When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
>
> 'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
>
> 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes
> me?'
>
> Moral of the story:
>
> If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with
> your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
> exposure.
>
> Lesson 2:
>
> A priest offered a Nun a lift.
>
> She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
>
> The priest nearly had an accident.
>
> After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
>
> The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
>
> The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide
> up her leg again.
> The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
>
> The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
>
> Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
>
> On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
> said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
>
> Moral of the story:
> If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
> opportunity.
>
>
>
> Lesson 3:
>
> A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
> lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
>
> They rub it and a Genie comes out.
> The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
> 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the
> Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
> Puff! She's gone.
>
> 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii ,
> relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of
> Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
>
> Puff! He's gone.
>
> 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
> The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
>
> Moral of the story:
> Always let your boss have the first say.
>
> Lesson 4
>
> An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
>
> A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and
> do nothing?'
> The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
>
> So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
> sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
>
> Moral of the story:
> To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
>
>
>
> Lesson 5
>
> A turkey was chatting with a bull.
>
> 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the
> turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
> 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.
> They're packed with nutrients.'
>
> The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
> enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
>
> The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
>
>
> Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top
> of the tree.
>
> He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
>
>
> Moral of the story:
> Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
>
> Lesson 6
>
> A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
> froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
>
> While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
>
> As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
> realize how warm he was.
>
> The dung was actually thawing him out!
>
> He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
> A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
>
> Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow
> dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
>
>
> Morals of the story:
> (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
>
> (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
> friend.
>
> (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
> your mouth shut!
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
A young man from Jamaica moves to Miami and goes to a big department shopping
complex looking for a job. The manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience'?
The Jamaican young man says, 'Yes Boss, mi was a salesman back home on di streets
a Kingston .'
The boss liked him so he gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down
after we close and see how you did.'
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was
locked up, the boss came down. 'How many sales did you make today?'
The Jamaican young man says, 'Man, Just ONE sale'
The boss says, 'Just one? No! No! No! You see here our sales people average 20
or 30 sales a day. If you want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better
than just one sale. By the way, how much was the sale for?'
The Jamaican young man says, '$301,237.64'
Boss says, '$301,237.64? What the hell did you sell?'
The Jamaican young man: 'Well Boss, fus mi sell him one little fish hook. Den mi
sell him a medium size fish hook. Den mi sell him l big fish hook.
Den mi sell him one fishing rod an sum fishing tings. Den mi ask him whey him a
go fishing, an him seh dung de coast, so mi tell him sey him a go want one boat,
so we go dung a de boating department an mi sell him one twin engine cris craft.
Den him seh him nuh think him Honda Civic can pull it, so mi tek him dung a wi
automotive department an mi sell him di 4X4 Blazer. Then mi ask him whey him a
go sleep, an since him neva have nuh weh, mi tek him dung a di camping department
an sell him one a di new 6-sleeper camper tents. Then the man seh, while we deh
pon it, mi might as well fling in about a $100.00 wut a groceries and two case
ah beer.'
The boss said, 'You're not serious? A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and
you sold him a Boat, a 4x4 truck and a tent?'
The Jamaican young man says, 'No sah, him come in yah fi buy one box of tampons
fi him wife, and mi tell him seh 'Well, yuh might as as well go do some fishing.'
_______________________________________________________
A Pirate Walked Into a Bar
. . and the bartender said, 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened?
You look terrible.'
'What do you mean?' asked the pirate. 'I feel fine.'
Bartender: 'What about your wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'
Pirate: 'Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine
now.'
Bartender: 'Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?'
Pirate: 'We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.
My hand was cut off, so I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really.'
Bartender: 'What about that eye patch?'
Pirate: 'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up
and one of them $hizered right in my eye.'
'You're kidding,' exclaimed the bartender. 'You lost an eye just from bird
$hiznit?'
Pirate: 'It was my first day with the hook.''
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Kids are Quick
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your maths multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H.. to.. O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we
didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
_________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry
tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as
your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, it's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FINALLY...THE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug
through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
'What does it look like?' she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and
handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is!", she exclaims.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
FOR OLD JOKES CHECK OUT OUR JOKES ARCHIVE - CLICK HERE
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