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Two Kerrymen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says
to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.' The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. 'Yeah, we'll
take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage dere,' says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leaves
the shop and gets into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. At the Connor
Pass Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says ,

Dis looks like a grand place.' He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder
and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing
himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and
says, what dat? Dis budgie jumping is too flipping dangerous for me!'

THERE'S MORE...
Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks
up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the
other.
'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as half way
down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and
down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and
says,
'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'

IT IS NOT OVER YET...
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also
been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears
down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Paddy shakes his head.
'forget dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping,
den Seamus parrotshooting...
and now Sean and his hengliding!'

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I bet you that this story is similar to the Jamaican who has been at Guantanamo Bay for the
past 6 years now...immediately after 911

Jamaican entering US @ Miami airport to visit his son
at Customs Miami airport

Customs officer searching his bags found a very sharpened machete

customs officer: whats the purpose of your visit?
Jamaican: I am here to visit me son sah
customs officer: what have we got here?
Jamaican man: A machete sah
customs officer: and what pray tell are you going to do with this
Jamaican man: me a go help me son chop "Bush" sah

and off he went to Guantanamo, and is still there to this day!!!

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There was an English Master at Jamaica College (Mr. Theobalds)
who told the story of seeing a 2 story outhouse in Canada on one of his trips.
However he said -" I would never go into the lower house, because someone from the
upper house might present a motion and the house would let the matter drop"
(his reference to Parliamentary procedure to get our attention)

Two Story Outhouse!!?
Words fail me!

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Cup of Tea
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my
favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a
little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise
for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it
was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall
with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know... :)

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?'


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Daddy's car in the woods?

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.
Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little
Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started
to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the
woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then
he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt
Jane...............'

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose
you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell
it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started
his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.
I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her
shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started
doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.'

Moral:
Sometimes you need to listen to the whole
story before you interrupt!

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A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on
the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over
the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking
driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a
mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

"No, no, I'm sorry," said the driver. "It's entirely my fault.

Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25
years."

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NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but herattention is galvanized when
she hears one of them say the following:

'Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time

The lady can't take this any more, ' You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted
indignantly.'In this country. we don't speak aloud in public places aboutour sex lives.

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man.

'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda
how to spell 'Mississippi'.'

$5.00 says you're gonna read this again!

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"Kingston" Rules driving instructions. Remember, we drive on the left....most times :))

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Kingston driver never uses them.

2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you,
or the space will be filled in by somebody else,more than likely a taxi man, putting you in an
even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result
in you being rear-ended.

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. The other guy doesn't
have anything to lose.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a
nice,
relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to
stretch your legs.

7. Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It's a good way to scare people for a laugh.

8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a suggestion and are apparently not enforceable
in Kingston.

9. Just because you're in the right lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that
a Kingston driver flashing his high beams behind you or blowing his horn doesn't think he can go faster
in your spot.

10. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.

11. Learn to swerve abruptly. Kingston is the home of the high-speed 'dally' , thanks to the KSAC,
which puts pot-holes in strategic locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

12. It is traditional in Kingston to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light
turns green.

13. Remember that the goal of every Kingston driver is to get there first
by whatever means necessary.

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JLP Fisherman

A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below.

She shouts to him, 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.'

The man consults his portable GPS and replies, 'You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolls her eyes and says, 'You must be a Conservative'
'I am,' replies the man. 'How did you know?'

'Well,' answers the balloonist, 'everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me.'

The man smiles and responds, 'You must be a Liberal.'
'I am,' replies the balloonist. 'How did you know?'

'Well,' says the man, 'You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault, not yours!!

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A West Indian story. Better be a shadow in the dark - Than a fool in the light.

One night a father put his three-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story, sat and listened to her prayers, which she ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and *goodbye* Grandpa."

"Ah why yuh a say *good-bye* Grandpa fah?" the father asked. "Mi noh know," the little girl said. The next day, Grandpa died.

The man thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later, he put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy and *good-bye* Grandma." The next day, the grandmother died!

"Rahtid, thought the man, dis yah pickne can see inna de future."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the man heard her say, "God bless Mommy! and *good-bye* Daddy." The man practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.

He was nervous all day. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK He felt safe in the office, so he stayed until the end of the day, looking at his watch jumping at every sound.

Finally, he went home and is wife asked... "What happen?"

"Mi no waan talk bout it," he said. "Mi jus 'ave de worst day in ah mi life."

"Yuh tink yuh had a bad day?" the wife exclaimed. "You'll neva believe wha happen'. Dis mahnin', Desmond next door, drapp dead pan de verandah."

JA Technology

You just can't beat a Jamaican for originality!!

After having dug to a depth of 20 meters last year, English scientists found traces of copper wire dating back over 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network 200 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the English, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug to a depth of 30 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the newspapers read: American archaeologists have found traces of 300 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had
an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the English.'

One week later, 'The Daily Gleaner ' Jamaican newspaper, reported the following:
'After digging as deep as 40 meters at Cross Roads , Arnold Jacobs , a self taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Arnold has therefore concluded that 400 years ago Jamaica had already gone wireless.'

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Retirement Calculator

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RED SKELTON'S RECIPE
FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a
Little beverage, good food and companionship
She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California , and mine is in Kentucky.

3. I take my wife everywhere....
But she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric
Toaster and electric bread maker.
She said 'There are too many gadgets, and no place
To sit down!' So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well
Because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was. She told me, 'In the lake.'

8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, 'Am I too late
For the garbage?' The driver said, 'No, jump in'.

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
First name was ALWAYS.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months
I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, 'What's on the TV?'
I said, 'Dust!'

Can't you just hear him say all of these?
I love it........those were the good old days
When humor didn't have to start with a four letter word. It was just clean and simple fun.
And he always ended his programs with the words,
'God Bless'

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Hillary is taking a stroll when she comes upon a little girl carrying a
basket with a blanket over it. Curious. Hillary asks the girl, 'What's in the basket?'

She replies, 'New baby kittens,' and she opens the basket to show her.

'How nice,' says Hillary. 'What kind are they?' The little girl says, 'Democrats.'

Hillary smiles, pats the little girl on the head and continues on

Three weeks later, Hillary is taking another stroll, this time with Bill.

They see the little girl again with the same basket. Hillary says, 'Watch this, Bill;
it's really cute.' They approach the little girl.

Hillary greets the little girl and asks how the kittens are doing, and she says, 'Fine.'

Then, smirking, she nudges Bill with his elbow and asks the little girl, 'And can you tell
us what kind of kittens they are?'

She replies, 'Republicans'

Abashed, Hillary says, 'But three weeks ago you said they were Democrats!'

'I know,' she says. 'But now their eyes are open'...

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SUNDAY CLOTHES

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon
when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.

'Hello,' said the little boy

'Hi,' replied the little girl.

'Where are you going?' asked the little boy.

'I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home,' answered the little girl.

'I'm also on my way home from church.
Which church do you go to?' asked the little boy.

'I go to the Protestant church back down the road,' replied the little girl.
'What about you? '

'I go to the Catholic church back at the top of the hill,'
replied the little boy.

They discover that they are both going the same way
so they decided that they'd walk together.

They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road,
so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.

'If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive,' said the little girl.

'My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet,' replied the little boy.

'I tell you what I think I'll do,' said the little girl. 'I'm gonna pull off all my
clothes and hold them over my head and wade across.'

'That's a good idea,'replied the little boy.
'I'm going to do the same thing with my suit.'

So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet.
They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on,
when the little boy finally remarked .

'You know, I never realized before just how much difference there really is between a
Protestant and a Catholic!!!

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