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Be Careful Out There:
IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not." Four is larger than two.."
We hav en't used Sears repair since.
IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "you gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.
IDIOT SIGHTING :
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
>From Kingman , KS .
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
From Kansas City
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded,
"That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
IDIOT SIGHTING :
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
IDIOT SIGHTING :
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.
IDIOT SIGHTING :
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side."
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE and they REPRODUCE!
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Mi Granny Always Used To Seh ...
... Yuh wing soon clip
... Yuh mus be tink seh mi born behind cow
... Puss an dawg nuh have de same luck
... Learn fi dance a yard before yuh go abroad
... Dawg know who fi bite and duppy know who fi frighten
... Chicken merry! Hawk deh near
... Yuh head faver someting whey johncrow draw brakes ina
... Yuh head faver johncrow airport
... Whey mek yuh head faver senseh fowl nest
... It too early. Cock no even put on im draws yet
... But unu see mi dying trial!!
... If yuh don't hear yuh will feel
... Yuh free paper soon burn
... Yuh more harm than hurt
... Wen poop a chat, fart deh near
... But cuh pon yuh too
... Mi no wan hear bout 'orse dead and cow fat
... Always have manners, it will carry yuh far
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Ten Peeves that Dogs
Have About Humans
1
Blaming your farts on me.... not funny... not funny at all !!!
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2
Yelling at me
for barking.
I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!
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3
Taking me for a
walk, then not letting me check stuff
out.
Exactly whose walk is this
anyway?
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4
Any trick that
involves balancing food on my nose Stop
it!
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5
Any haircut
that involves bows or ribbons.
Now you know
why we chew your stuff
up when you're not
home.
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6
The sleight of
hand, fake fetch throw.
You fooled a
dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what
a proud moment
for the top of the food chain.
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7
Taking me to
the vet for "the big snip",
then acting
surprised when I freak
out every time
we go back!
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8
Getting upset
when I sniff the crotches of your guests.
Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that
handshake thing yet.
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9
Dog sweaters.
Hello ??? Haven't you noticed the
fur?
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10
How you act disgusted when I
lick myself.
Look, we both know the
truth. You're just jealous.
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Now lay off me on some of these
things.
We both know who's boss
here!
You don't see me picking up
your poop do you?
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BEST BLONDE JOKE EVER
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .." he said with a deep sigh, . .. . . . .
(scroll down)
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
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.................ELMO................
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo Toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM .
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager burst into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulled himself together and approached Lena .
'I'm sorry,' he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.'
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Route 119
Sitting on the side of a US highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer noticed a car going along at 22 MPH. (Now remember this is in the US where they use miles per hour not kilometers per hour)
The officer thought to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over.
When he got to the car he noticed that there were five elderly ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, said to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replied, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the woman said a bit proudly.
The Officer tried not to smile and explained to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem a bit shaken and they haven't said a single peep this whole time."
"Oh, don’t worry officer, they'll be alright in a minute. We just got off
Route 119."
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Ice cream
An elderly gentleman was becoming quite concerned about his memory as he kept forgetting things more and more. He went to see his doctor who did not find anything wrong with him other than the fact of his age. He reassured him and told him that if he kept a small notebook in his pocket he could write important things down and not worry about forgetting them. This worked well for the elderly gentlemen.
One day as the gentlemen and his wife were watching T.V., the man asked his wife if she wanted some ice cream. “Yes”, she replied, “That sounds yummy. Oh, could you please put some whipped cream on top she asked…oh and some chocolate syrup …and some peanuts…and a cherry please”. Her husband replied “certainly dear”. As he turned towards the kitchen, his wife asked if perhaps he should write all that down so he wouldn’t forget. He assured her that he wouldn’t forget. All the way to the kitchen he repeated to himself – whipped cream, chocolate syrup, peanuts and cherry. After a while he returned and gave his wife a plate full of scrambled eggs, bacon and hash browns. His wife looked at the plate with disgust and said, “ I knew you should have written it down! You forgot the toast!
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The monk
A man decided to join a monastery and become a monk. He was instructed that everyone there was to keep a vow of silence. Every seven years they were allowed to say 2 words. The man faithfully keep his vow of silence and on the anniversary of his 7th year he was called into the office where he was told by the one in charge that he could say two words. He thought for a moment and said “Hard Bed”. The head monk said, “I’m sorry to hear that…I will see what we can do to fix that”. After another long seven years… on the 14th anniversary of the man's stay, he was once again called into the office and allowed to say another 2 words. He thought for a moment and said “Food cold”. The head monk said, “I think you are right, the food has been a bit cold lately. I see what we can do about that”. Once again seven years passed and on the 21st year of the man's stay at the monastery he was called into the office and allowed to say two words. He thought for a moment and said, “I quit”. The head monk said, “Oh, well I suppose it’s all for the best really. Ever since you got here, you’ve done nothing but complain”.
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Too tired
There was a story about a man named Charlie who was quite a selfish and inconsiderate husband. Even though both he and his wife worked, he never helped at home with the cleaning, cooking or with the children. He expected supper on the table promptly every evening and watched television all evening long while his wife keep the entire home in order. One day while Charlie was in the doctor’s waiting room, he read an article in a magazine that said - If women were not so tired in the evening, they would be more romantic with their husbands. Well the next day when Charlie’s wife got home, she had quite a surprise. She found supper cooked and warming on the stove. She found the dinning table set with the good china, napkins and candles. Charlie had also done 2 sets of laundry and a third load was in the dryer. The house was also swept and the carpets vacuumed. The following morning Charlie’s wife was telling her friends at work about the article and everything that Charlie did. She continued “After dinner Charlie did all the dishes, helped the children with their homework and even gave them a bath and put them to bed. I had a wonderful evening!” Her friends were impressed but wanted to know about the romantic part of the evening after the kids were in bed. “Oh" she said,"That part didn’t work out very well…. Charlie was too tired!”
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PMS JOKE - CLICK HERE
What I Want in a Man, Original List: (age 20)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10.An imaginative, romantic lover
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10.Seeks romance at least once a week
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10.Shaves most weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10.Shaves some weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where the bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10.Remembers that it's the weekend
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet
Dream Big!
LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell
phone to report that her car has been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation
to the dispatcher:
"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel,
the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
the dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is
on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
"Disregard." He says,
"She got in the back-seat by mistake."
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FAMILY
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a
house together.
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath.
She puts her foot in and pauses.
she yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting
in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know - I'll
come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses, "Was I
going up the stairs or down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table
having tea - listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I
never get that forgetful - knock on wood."
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of
you ... as soon as I see who's at the door."
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"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were
playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I - let's
have a beer."
In Jamaica recently, the purchaser of a $1.00 special lottery ticket won the twenty million dollar prize. As soon as the Lottery office was open on the following day, he was there to collect his winnings.
Graciously, he presented his winning ticket to the clerk and in his best English uttered his request.
"Me come fi collec de twenty million dollar. Si mi ticket ya."
After ascertaining that it was indeed the winning ticket, the clerk asked how he would like his payments made.
Becoming agitated, the man replied "Me wan all de money now."
"Unfortunately, sir," responded the clerk, "that is not possible. The procedure is that you receive one million now and the balance equally over the next twenty years."
Becoming increasingly furious, the man asked for the manager, who re-iterated, "Sir, my assistant is correct. Regulations stipulate that the payments be made to you over the next twenty years."
Outraged the Jamaican slammed his hand on the desk and shouted in anger,
"Oonu tek mi fi idiat. I wan all a de money now. Or gi mi back mi dollar!"
A young Jamaican man walks into a bank in New York
City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan
officer that he is going to Jamaica on a vacation for two weeks and
needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells him that the bank will
need some form of security for the loan, so the Jamaican man
hands over the keys to a new BMW 740i. The car is parked on the
street in front of the bank. The Jamaican produces the title and
everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as
collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good
laugh at the Jamaican for using a $80,000 BMW as collateral
against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the
BMW into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Jamaican man returns, repays
the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but
we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you
out and found that you are a successful business man. What puzzles
us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The
Jamaican replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my
car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I
return?" The bank employees watch as he pulls out of
the garage, windows down and sunroof open. The music was
blasting from his car as he pulled away, "We run things, things no
run we, everything we do, it done properly."
Me thinks I have No. 22 symptoms.
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These are actual writings from various hospital charts.
1. The patient refused an autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5 Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day, the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive, but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated, and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. The pelvis exam will be done later on the floor.
24. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
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