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Don't let your worries get the
best of you; remember, Moses started
out as a basket case.
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Some people are kind, polite, and
sweet-spirited, until you try to sit in their pews.
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Many folks want to serve God,
but only as advisors.
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It is easier to preach ten sermons
than it is to live one.
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The good Lord didn't create anything
without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
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When you get to your wit's end,
you'll find God lives there.
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People are funny; they want the front
of the bus, the middle of the road, and
the back of the church.
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Opportunity may knock once, but temptation
bangs hard on your front door forever.
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Quit griping about your church;
if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
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If the church wants a better pastor,
it only needs to pray for the one it has.
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God Himself does not propose to judge
a man until he is dead. So why should you?
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Some minds are like concrete;
thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
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Peace starts with a smile.
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I don't know why some people
change churches; what difference does
it make which one you stay home from?
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A lot of church members who are singing
'Standing on the Promises'
are just sitting on the premises.
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We were called to be witnesses,
not lawyers or judges.
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Be ye fishers of men. You catch
them - He'll clean them.
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Coincidence is when God
chooses to remain anonymous.
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Don't put a question mark
where God put a period.
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Don't wait for 6 strong men
to take you to church.
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Forbidden fruits create many jams.
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God doesn't call the qualified,
He qualifies the called.
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God grades on the cross, not the curve.
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God loves everyone, but probably prefers
'fruits of the spirit' over 'religious nuts!'
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God promises a safe landing,
not a calm passage.
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He who angers you, controls you!
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If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats!
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Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
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The task ahead of us is never as
great as the Power behind us.
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The Will of God never takes you to
where the Grace of God will not protect you.
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We don't change the message,
the message changes us.
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You can tell how big a person is
by what it takes to discourage him.
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The best mathematical equation
I have ever seen:
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.
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60 years of marriage
An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife
with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin,
etc. The couple had been married almost 60 years, and clearly they were
still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host,
'I think it's wonderful that after all these years, you still call your wife
those loving pet names.'
The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her
name slipped my mind about ten years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask her
what it is!'
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Christmas Carol
There is one Christmas Carol that has always baffled me. What in the
world do leaping lords, French hens, swimming swans, and especially the
partridge who won't come out of the pear tree have to do with Christmas?
Today, I found out.
From 1558 until 1829, Roman Catholics in England were not permitted to
practice their faith openly. Someone during that era wrote this carol as
a catechism song for young Catholics. It has two levels of meaning: the
surface meaning plus a hidden meaning known only to members of their
church. Each element in the carol has a code word for a religious
reality Which the children could remember.
The partridge in a pear tree was Jesus Christ.
Two turtle doves were the Old and New Testaments.
Three French hens stood for faith, hope and love.
The four calling birds were the four gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke & John.
The five golden rings recalled the Torah or Law, the first five books of
the Old Testament.
The six geese a-laying stood for the six days of creation.
Seven swans a-swimming represented the sevenfold gifts of the Holy
Spirit--Prophesy, Serving, Teaching, Exhortation, Contribution,
Leadership, and Mercy.
The eight maids a-milking were the eight beatitudes.
Nine ladies dancing were the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit--Love, Joy,
Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self
Control.
The ten lords a-leaping were the ten commandments.
The eleven pipers piping stood for the eleven faithful disciples.
The twelve drummers drumming symbolized the twelve points of belief in
the Apostles' Creed.
So there is your history for today. This knowledge was shared with me and
I found it interesting and enlightening and now I know how that strange
song became a Christmas Carol...so pass it on if you wish."
Merry (Twelve Days of) Christmas Everyone.....
Christmas Carols for the Psychologically Challenged
1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are
3. Amnesia --- I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas
4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office
and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants
6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me
7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8. Full Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why
9. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ...
10. Agoraphobia --- I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't leave My House
11. Senile Dementia --- Walking in a Winter Wonderland…… Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe
12. Oppositional Defiant Disorder --- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus…… So I Burned Down the House
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A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know
what?" says the 6 year old, "I think it's about time we started
cussing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues,
"When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell
and you say something with ass." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he
wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell Mom, I guess I'll have some
Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets
up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot
pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His Mom locks him in his
room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a
stern voice! , "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be
Cheerios.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was their first Wedding Anniversary so joy and Ron decided to put on a
dinner party and invite a number of friends. The main course would be
steak and mushroom, but they discovered that the cost of mushrooms would be
far too much for such a number of guests.It was Ron who decided that they could
use some of the mushrooms growing wild at the bottom of the garden.
Joy was skeptical, pointing out that such mushrooms were often poisonous,
but Roy informed her that he had seen animals eating them.
So Joy consented but first fed some to their dog Rover. prepared to rush him
to the vet should he show any signs of illness.. For the rest of the
day Rover appeared to be alright so Joy went ahead and served her chosen
main course of steak and mushrooms. Just as they completed the
meal a neighbour telephoned to say that Rover was dead. In panic Joy
immediately called the hospital, and soon an ambulance with
paramedics arrived.
Each guest was given an enema and some medicine to clear their system. Then
the phone rang again, it was the neighour saying that the car that killed Rover
did not even stop.
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A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever
attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear)
purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea
to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Brad, who identified himself as a 26-year-old
aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to
find Brad waiting for me. He is something of a HULK -, dancing eyes and a dazzling smile. Woo Hoo!! Brad gave me a tour
and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout
today. Very inspiring!
Brad was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Brad made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly
on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Brad's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new
life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.
I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop.
Brad was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for
early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on
the treadmill, so Brad put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators? Brad told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other STUFF too.
THURSDAY :
Brad was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I
couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Brad took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny
bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY :
I hate that Brad more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world.
Brad wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and n
utrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY :
Brad left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing
him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up
catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY :
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that
next year my daughter (the little …) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say
if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
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50 years together.
A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together.
Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday
dinner in their honour.
'Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,' gushed son
number one .. 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an
emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it
is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.'
'Not to worry,' said the father. 'The
important thing is that we're all together today.'
Son number two arrived and announced, 'You and Mom
look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between
depositions and didn't have time to shop for you.'
'It's nothing,' said the father,
'We're glad you were able to come.'
Just then the daughter arrived, 'Hello and happy
anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of
town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time
to get you anything.'
After they had finished dessert, the father said,
'There's something your mother and I have wanted to
tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor.
Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college.
Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved
each other very much, but we just never found the time to
get married.'
The three children gasped and all said, 'You mean
we're bastards?'
'Yep,' said the father. 'And cheap ones, too.'
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A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he
turned to the girl and said, "Lets talk. Ive heard that flights go quicker
if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy,
"What would you like to talk about?"
Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a
question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and
a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear
power when you don't know shit?"
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Liars
A preacher finished the service one morning by saying, "Next Sunday, I am
going to preach on the subject of liars. As a preparation for my sermon, I
would like you all to read Mark 17."
On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin. Looking out at the
congregation he said, "Last week I asked you all to read Mark 17. If you
have read the chapter, please raise your hand." Nearly every hand in the
congregation went up. Smiling, the preacher said, "You are the very people I
want to talk to. Mark has only 16 chapters."
----------------
Friends beware, this could happen to you!
I understand that this happens at Lowe's, too, so don't desert Home Depot
just yet. A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot
customers. This one caught me by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't
be naïve enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you
are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your
windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of
their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you
for a ride to McDonalds.
You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start
undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts
crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
20th, 24th & 29th. Also November 1st & 4th, Twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd,
26th & 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming
weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful.
P.S. Walmart has wallets on sale for 2.99 each.
_______________________________________________________________________
Real Classified Ads
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES..
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat . Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake . Call Stephanie.
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer. No longer needed,
Got married last month.
Husband knows everything.
--------------------------------------------------------
Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary,
alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite
period of time.
2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer,
unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting lucky.
7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like,
the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido : All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot
be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The colour you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to
supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:
1. coffee , n. the person upon whom one coughs.
2. flabbergasted , adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. abdicate , v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4 esplanade , v. to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. willy-nilly , adj. impotent.
6. negligent , adj. absent-mindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. lymph , v. to walk with a lisp.
8. gargoyle , n. olive-flavoured mouthwash.
9. flatulence , n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. balderdash , n. a rapidly receding hairline..
11. testicle , n. a humorous question on an exam.
12. rectitude , n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. pokemon , n.. a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. oyster , n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism , n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. circumvent , n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
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