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They're Back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for the
Church ladies who type them. These sentences actually
Appeared in church bulletins or were
Announced in church services:
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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning:
"Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight:
"Searching for Jesus."
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.
It's a chance to get rid of those things
Not worth keeping around the house.
Bring your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled
For today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick
Of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love.
Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off -
Let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang
"I will not pass this way again,"
Giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children
And don't know it,
We have a nursery down stairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
Sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter
Were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be
"What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed
Due to the addition of several new members
And to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans,
Bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in
The envelope along with the deceased
Person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining,
Super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM -
Prayer and medication to follow.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies
Of the congregation would lend him their
Electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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The Low Self Esteem Support Group
Will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting
Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
Basement Friday at 7 PM .
The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM
At the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's
New tithing campaign slogan last Sunday:
"I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours
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When you have a "I Hate My Job" day, try this:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and
purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson
Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains
and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package
and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it
will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully.
You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then
sanitized .."
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work in the
thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson."
HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A
PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!
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A lawyer runs a stop sign in Portland and gets pulled over by the
Police. He thinks that he is smarter than the police because he
is a lawyer from Kingston and is certain that he has a better
education than any Jamaican Police. He decides to prove this
to himself and have some fun at the Police expense.
The Police says, "Yuh License an yuh registration, please."
"What for?" says the lawyer.
The Police says, "Yuh didn't come to a complete stop at de stop sign."
Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
"Yuh neva did come to a complete stop," says the Police. "License
an registration, please."
The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
"De difference is dat yuh hav fe come to ah complete stop - dat's
de law. License an registration, please!" the Police says.
The Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between
slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and
you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me
the ticket."
"That sounds fair. Get yuh rass outa de vehicle, sar," the Police
says. At this point, the Police drape up de man, pull out his
batton and starts beating the ever-loving hell out of the lawyer and
says, "Yuh waan me fe stop, ar just slow down?"
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Children's Bible in a Nutshell - If Kids interpreted
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but
God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one,'
but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a
light!' and someone did. Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they
weren'tembarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve
disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.
Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was
Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah,
who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one
of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family
and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they
said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than
hisbrother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some
pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports
coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton
Heston.
Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh
after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included
frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every
day with manicotti Then He gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include
don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah,
I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use
spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the
town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a
slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500
porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise
to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of
these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on
the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't
have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of
the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.
(I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying
to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say,
'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees
and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was
Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they na med a terrible vegetable
after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some
Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on
trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just
washed his hands instead.
Anyway's, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He
went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return
is foretold in the book of Revolution.
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To all my friends who appreciate a good bottle of wine : please read on
THE BOTTLE OF WINE
For all of us who are married, were married, wish they were married,
or wish they weren't married, this is something to smile about the
next time you see a bottle of wine:
Brenda was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern
Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of
the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked
the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Brenda tried in vain to make a bit of small talk
with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking
intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until
she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Brenda.
'What in bag?' asked the old woman.
Brenda looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine.
I got it for my husband.'
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
'Good trade.....'
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11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE
Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.
10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them
all, so they decided that 1 had to leave,
because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person,
until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because,
as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her
husband and kids or for men in general, and was
used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech,
all the men started clapping .
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JUST IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T MEMORIZED IT THE FIRST TIME IT CAME AROUND, HERE IT IS AGAIN.
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to
describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and
backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and
end with "Fine"
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will
end with the word "Fine"
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a
"Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine"
and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men.
A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is
wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content.
Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay"
means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that
you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with
a "Raised Eyebrow."
GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with
whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have
a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really
ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will
be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh,"
as she will only tell you "Nothing"
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A Jamaican Story.
A story about a Jamaican man . . . a story that only
happen in Jamaica. . . as he writes:
"A went wid mi fasness go get marrid to a widow who
had a daughtah dat was big already. As ting will
happen, mi fahdda fall in love wid mi new
stepdaughtah an dem get married Derefore: Mi fahdda
ah now mi son-in-law, while at di same time mi step
daughta a now mi step maddah .
But dat aint all. In di meantime, mi wife get
pregnant an' had mi son - mi son who now turn out to
be mi fadda breddah-in-law an also mi own uncle
'cause he is di breddah of mi step-mahddah who is
also mi step daughtah. Dis is where tings turn
raht*id mad.
Mi fahddah wife now hav a son who is technically mi
breddah but is really mi gran-son . . . derefore: mi
wife is mi granmaddah cause she is mi step-Maddah,
Maddah So now I-man is mi wife husban an
gran-pickney at di same time! An being a husban of
a gran-maddah mek me ah gran-fahddah. So now I en up
being mi own granfahddah... Lawd, what a ra*s mix
up!
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Mi Granny Always Used To Seh ...
... Yuh wing soon clip
... Yuh mus be tink seh mi born behind cow
... Puss an dawg nuh have de same luck
... Learn fi dance a yard before yuh go abroad
... Dawg know who fi bite and duppy know who fi frighten
... Chicken merry! Hawk deh near
... Yuh head faver someting whey johncrow draw brakes ina
... Yuh head faver johncrow airport
... Whey mek yuh head faver senseh fowl nest
... It too early. Cock no even put on im draws yet
... But unu see mi dying trial!!
... Pickney ask Mumma, "Mumma whey mek yuh mout so long"? Mumma sey, "Ayy ...
pickeney yuh a grow yuh will learn"
... If yuh don't hear yuh will feel
... Yuh free paper soon burn
... Yuh more harm than hurt
... Wen poop a chat, fart deh near
... But cuh pon yuh too
... Use deh one stone an kill deh two bird
... Mi no wan hear bout 'orse dead and cow fat
... Always have manners, it will carry yuh far
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Winston the Jamaican is on 'Who wants to be a Millionaire' and has reached the £1 million question. Meredith Veira says, "Right Winston, this is for £1 million, and remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time. "Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a Sett? "
Is it.
A: Badger
B: Ferret
C: Mole
D: Cuckoo?"
Winston ponders for a while and says, "Backside Meridith, mi not sure, gi mi di 50-50, to raas."
"Right, Winston, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're leftwith. 'Badger' and 'Cuckoo' are the two remaining answers.
Winston has a long think, then scratches his head and says, "Blouse an' Skirt Meridith, mi still nuh know, mek mi phone mi small island bredren."
So who are you going to call?" says Meridith.
"Hmmm, Ah tink I'll call Selwyn in Mandeville ."
From: Terry
So Meridith phones Selwyn in Mandeville. "Selwyn, this is Meridith Veira from '
Who wants to be a Millionaire'. I've got Winston here, and with your help he could
win £1 million. The next voice you hear will be Winston."
"Wha gwan Selwyn". "Where mi money deh...? any way, ansa dis an we quits. What type
ah hanimal mek im yard in a set? Is a badger or a cuckoo?"
"Is a badger, man." says Selwyn without hesitation.
"You sure, bwoy ?"
"Definite to raas. Wan 'undred purcent. A badger. Definitely."
"Right, Chris, tank yu man.""
"I'll go wit di heediat bwoy Selwyn.
The answer is a badger.
"Final answer, Winston?"
"Yeh mon, Meridith, final answer."
"That's the correct answer. You've won £1 million!" Cue wild celebrations.
Next morning Winston calls up Selwyn, "Bredren that was blood-fire ansa laas night bwoy,
yuh cum good! How di raas you did know badger yard is a sett?"
" Me nevah know..." replies Selwyn, "... But everybaddy know cuckoo live inna clock!"
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